Last weekend, I went on a retreat with some members of my
community writing group. While I was there, one of the members, author
Adam Horne, said, “I want to have Thanksgiving with your family so I can
meet these people you’ve been writing about.”
And that, let me tell you, was a super awkward moment. I
didn’t know what to say, because I’m not
having Thanksgiving with my family. It’s like he wasn’t even paying attention.
But at least I know a thing or two about coping with a difficult family at the holidays.
If you, too, are wondering how you’re going to make it through dinner this
Thursday, I can offer you some advice.
Stay in the Kitchen
In my experience, the worst people at any family holiday
gathering can be found sitting on their asses, waiting to be served. If you
help with the cooking, you can avoid them and most of their opinions. After dinner,
volunteer to do the dishes. Everyone disappears when you start doing dishes.
Sit at the Kids’ Table
If you know the other adults at Thanksgiving or Christmas
dinner are going to want to talk politics, or interrogate you about your love
life, or remind you that you have 45 cents in your bank account, go sit at the
kids’ table. Tell your adult relations that you’ve been missing your little nieces
and nephews, or that you’ve just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to
get to know the half-siblings your dad has had with your much-younger stepmom,
and plop your ass right down on one of those tiny folding chairs. Your smallest
relatives won’t want to talk about Trump; they barely know what a president is.
Spend the meal discussing little Nevaeh’s favorite dinosaurs instead.
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore
Are your relatives severely unpleasant? Are they horrible,
narcissistic monsters? Years of being treated like sh*t have taught me a
valuable lesson: Nothing you could ever say will upset a nasty person more than
saying nothing at all.
When your abusive Grandma Prunella comes out with a snarky
remark or some horribly insulting bullsh*t, simply don’t react. Continue eating
or chatting with Cousin Sativa as if the person wasn’t even there. Chances are
the nasty person in your life lives
for these moments when they get to destroy you emotionally, so don’t give them
the satisfaction.
Arm Yourself with Stock Responses
Perhaps you think your extended family would be okay if they
didn’t insist on belaboring their sh*tty opinions all day long. If that sounds
familiar, go into the event with some stock responses you can pull out when
Aunt Irma starts ranting about The Gays or Uncle Balthazar starts revving up
his eighteen-hour lecture entitled “Women Are the Worst.” Some of my favorites include
“That’s nice,” and “You don’t say” and “Really? Do go on.” Sure, you’ll have to
tune out several minutes of Uncle Balthazar’s misogynist remarks, but
eventually he’ll notice that you aren’t actually paying attention and start
torturing someone else. Or he won’t, and he’ll wear himself out talking and
walk away thinking what a nice person you’ve grown up to be.
Know When You’re Going to Leave in Advance
Before you go to your family holiday, know when you’re going
to leave. You could decide to leave at a specific time, such as at 7 o’clock, or
at a specific juncture, such as after dessert, or when Cousin Jimothy calls you
a slut. When it’s time to leave, leave. Have an excuse ready; I like to use, “Sorry,
everyone, but I’ve got to go medicate my cats.” If you need backup, have a
friend call you with a manufactured emergency. That’s right; ditching your
unpleasant family is exactly like ditching a bad Tinder date.
