Wednesday, November 1, 2017

How Do You Stop Eating Halloween Candy?

Seriously, I’m asking – how?

I bought a big bag of Halloween candy for my Halloween party last weekend, and, I told myself, for the trick-or-treaters. If there’s one thing I really need to stop doing, it’s lying to myself. I haven’t had a trick-or-treater since 2013. I don’t know what happened. The first Halloween I lived here, something like 40 adorable costumed kids knocked on my door and asked for candy, and it was awesome. The second Halloween I lived here, it was cold and rainy, and only two kids knocked on my door. They were together, it was the end of the night, and their mother lovingly carried an umbrella over their heads as they walked through the pouring rain to my door. I gave those kids my entire bowl of candy, because I thought they’d earned it.

And also because it would keep me from eating the entire bowl of candy myself, in one sitting, and without anything close to the appropriate amount of shame. This an endeavor upon which I embarked the minute I opened the big bag of Halloween candy I bought for my party and, ahem, “trick-or-treaters.” I didn’t even eat dinner last night. I just gobbled up fun-sized Twizzlers and little boxes of Milk Duds while I was writing.

Then, later, Jim woke up from one of his customary five-hour naps and asked, “Did you eat dinner?”

To which I replied, “Uh, no, I just ate a bunch of candy.” So he made a frozen pizza and I ate that too. This, my friends, is why I’m getting, um, fatter.

So, I googled “how to stop eating Halloween candy” and the results were less than encouraging. The article “How to Avoid Eating All that Leftover Halloween Candy” on the website – get this –, advises the beach-body-ready reader (i.e., not me) to buy less candy, and hand out more. I’ve missed the boat on buying less candy, and I’ve also missed the boat on giving out more candy. I can’t give out candy if I don’t get any trick-or-treaters! But, I also don’t want to get a trick-or-treater and not have any candy to give! As I’m sure you can see, I’m in a real pickle here, and this is definitely not a self-created problem, how dare you even suggest that.

The article goes on to advise readers to eat real food instead. I’ve tried this before and it works really well, until the meal is over. Then I just go right back to eating Halloween candy. I am a bottomless pit for sugar. The author then goes on to brag that she never eats candy anymore since she got braces, which seems like overkill if you ask me. But short of throwing the candy away, which just feels wasteful, I don’t really know what to do. Has the holiday binge-eating season begun? Dear readers, I think it has.