Tuesday, October 3, 2017

My Cat Is Running for President

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: Isn’t it too early to be thinking about the 2020 presidential elections? Haven’t we got more pressing problems at the moment, like hurricanes, wildfires, gas shortages, gun violence, nuclear holocaust, heroin addiction, polluted water, crumbling infrastructure, the NFL, and reptilians? Shouldn’t we worry about surviving the next three years, as a republic, and at all, before we start worrying about which candidate deserves our vote in 2020, if indeed we are still allowed to vote in 2020?

Probably, but Fatty has been watching the news, and he thinks that if Donald Trump is allowed to be president, he should get a shot, too. It’s only fair.

So here at the reasons why my cat, Fatty, would make an awesome president:

He Is Brave and Strong

When a small animal gets into the house, some cats around here panic. A small frog once sent two out of three cats at chez McAtee running for cover from its terrifying hopping. But not Fatty. Fatty was ready to eat that frog, just like he was ready to eat the brown thrasher that got in once, or the hatchling snake that mysteriously appeared in the kitchen, if only I would have given him half a chance to catch any of them.

Not only is Fatty confident in his ability to bite the sh*t out of anything that might threaten him or look tasty, he’s also seven pounds heavier than the average tom cat – that’s more than double the size of some cats. He’s such a big cat that when I got my second cat, Max, I ended up taking him, Max, to the vet because he was so small and scrawny I thought he was underdeveloped.

“No,” the vet said, “he’s perfectly normal. It’s just that your other cat is so big that Max looks underdeveloped in comparison.”

Fatty understands that the health of presidential candidates is a topic of great concern to American voters, and he wants you to know that he’s ferociously, obnoxiously healthy and ready to rip the eyes out of any vet who says otherwise, or any vet who tries to touch him, period. It’s a good thing he’s so healthy, because giving him medicine is an ordeal. The one time I had to do it, I had to subdue him first by sitting on him. Sitting. On. Him. That’s what we’re dealing with here.

He Comes from Humble Beginnings, Just Like Honest Abe

Abraham Lincoln was born in a dirt-floored, one-room cabin in the backwoods of Kentucky. Fatty was found in a Wal-Mart parking lot, also, not coincidentally, in Appalachia. He’s seen hardship. He’s known struggle. He’s a cat of the people.

He Knows His Own Mind

Fatty isn’t one of those wishy-washy presidential candidates like John Kerry. Oh, no. Fatty knows what he wants, and he’s going to get it, no matter how many people he has to bite in order to do so.

He Is a Skilled Diplomat

Whenever someone comes into the house, Fatty immediately becomes their best friend. Doesn’t matter if it’s a guest, a plumber, a sheriff’s deputy, or an appliance repairman, Fatty will use his charm and good looks to win them over. Once, the ignition switch on my gas oven went out, and I had a guy over to fix it. I showed him to the kitchen and left him alone. When I came back half an hour later, I sh*t you not, Fatty had crawled up under the oven and was helping the guy fix it.

He Believes in the Scientific Method

Whenever something new appears in the house, like a cat fountain or a boyfriend, some cats around here freak the f*ck out. Not Fatty. Fatty is a Cat Scientist with a PhD in Checking Things Out from Purrdue University. That means he’s not afraid to apply the scientific method to investigating new phenomena, to enhance the lives of cats everywhere.

He Definitely Has No Ties to the Lucha Libre Circuit Whatsoever

Our enemies in the media have spread the vile and disgusting rumor that Fatty moonlights as a lucha libre wrestler called El Gato Terrible. Fake news!

He Is Orange

That seems to be really important to American voters these days, and Fatty is ready to give the people what they want.