Friday, July 7, 2017

Make America Medieval Again

Have you guys heard about those new rape-proof panties they’re making? They lock up your vag belt so that rapists can’t get in. I’m not kidding, they literally have a lock on them. They’re also allegedly tear-proof and resistant to cutting, can’t be pulled down, and have little boyshort legs so, that, presumably, the rapist can’t just sneak in from the side, although I’m skeptical about that. They also contain a “skeletal structure” of wire mesh that covers the genital area. Yes, friends, this is a modern-day chastity belt. Here it is:

So that’s what we’ve come to as a society – asking women to literally lock up their genitals. What is wrong with you people?

Oh, right. Lots.

On the surface, the rape-proof underpants might not seem like such a bad idea. Whilst wearing these panties, a woman can trip merrily, unaccompanied, down the darkest street in town in the middle of the night, while wearing the shortest skirt she owns, and chugging from a handle of Jim Beam, and she’ll be safe from rape. Any would-be rapist would give up and scurry, baffled, back into the night once he encounters the rape-proof panties. Right?

Well, let’s deconstruct this a little bit. Firstly, like murders, most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. That means you’d have to wear the rape-proof panties 24/7 in order to effectively prevent all rapes. What a pain in the ass. They don’t look that comfortable, and I have a lot of questions. Will the little legs ride up my fat thighs?1 Is that tear- and cut-resistant fabric breathable?2 Are these going to give me the mother of all yeast infections?3 Are they flame-retardant? What if I forget how to open the lock? Is there a customer service number for that? “Hello, yes, I can’t get my underwear off.” Brilliant.

Not to mention, as a friend of mine pointed out on Facebook, the rape-proof panties could complicate having consensual encounters, too. Imagine going out to the bar, safe in the knowledge that you can finally have a few drinks without being sexually violated, only to meet the man of your dreams and end up going back to his place. What are you going to say? “Forsooth, fair knight, hast thou the key to yon chastity belt?” That’ll make a cute story to tell at your wedding, and won’t make you look ridiculous or paranoid at all.

I think it’s also worth noting, as another friend pointed out, that the rape-proof panties don’t protect you from being viciously beaten or even murdered by a violent offender who had his heart set on raping someone but has now been thwarted by a pair of underwear. I think it’s also fair to say that we should really be calling these “rape-resistant” panties, because they really only prevent rapes in two of the three available orifices. Yes, I went there.

Also, if you get into a car accident or something while you’re wearing them, it’s going to take the literal Jaws of Life to get those puppies off. So, good luck with that.

1. [They will.]
2. [Probably not.]
3. [Oh hells yes.]