Have you guys heard about those new rape-proof panties they’re
making? They lock up your vag belt so that rapists can’t get in. I’m not
kidding, they literally have a lock on them. They’re also allegedly tear-proof
and resistant to cutting, can’t be pulled down, and have little boyshort legs
so, that, presumably, the rapist can’t just sneak in from the side, although I’m
skeptical about that. They also contain a “skeletal
structure” of wire mesh that covers the genital area. Yes, friends, this is
a modern-day chastity belt. Here it is:
So that’s what we’ve come to as a society – asking women to
literally lock up their genitals. What is wrong with you people?
Oh, right. Lots.
On the surface, the rape-proof underpants might not seem
like such a bad idea. Whilst wearing these panties, a woman can trip merrily,
unaccompanied, down the darkest street in town in the middle of the night, while
wearing the shortest skirt she owns, and chugging from a handle of Jim Beam,
and she’ll be safe from rape. Any would-be rapist would give up and scurry,
baffled, back into the night once he encounters the rape-proof panties. Right?
Well, let’s deconstruct this a little bit. Firstly, like
murders, most rapes
are committed by someone known to the victim. That means you’d have to wear
the rape-proof panties 24/7 in order to effectively prevent all rapes. What a
pain in the ass. They don’t look that comfortable, and I have a lot of
questions. Will the little legs ride up my fat thighs?1 Is that
tear- and cut-resistant fabric breathable?2 Are these going to give me the mother
of all yeast infections?3 Are they flame-retardant? What if I forget how
to open the lock? Is there a customer service number for that? “Hello, yes, I
can’t get my underwear off.” Brilliant.
Not to mention, as a friend of mine pointed out on Facebook,
the rape-proof panties could complicate having consensual encounters, too. Imagine
going out to the bar, safe in the knowledge that you can finally have a few
drinks without being sexually violated, only to meet the man of your dreams and
end up going back to his place. What are you going to say? “Forsooth, fair
knight, hast thou the key to yon chastity belt?” That’ll make a cute story to
tell at your wedding, and won’t make you look ridiculous or paranoid at all.
I think it’s also worth noting, as another friend pointed
out, that the rape-proof panties don’t protect you from being viciously beaten
or even murdered by a violent offender who had his heart set on raping someone
but has now been thwarted by a pair of underwear. I think it’s also fair to say
that we should really be calling these “rape-resistant” panties, because they
really only prevent rapes in two of the three available orifices. Yes, I went
there.
Also, if you get into a car accident or something while you’re
wearing them, it’s going to take the literal Jaws
of Life to get those puppies off. So, good luck with that.
1. [They will.]↩
2. [Probably not.]↩
3. [Oh hells yes.]↩
