Monday, June 30, 2014

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

As you’re no doubt aware, today the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can deny women health insurance coverage for contraception on the grounds that women as a group don’t know any better than to not go straight to Hell. I mean, of course, the actual Christian Hell, because if another religion tried this crap they would get shot down so hard. Yes, there are other religions. I KNOW, RIGHT?

We all continue to have high expectations of the Supreme Court in spite of the fact that they recently gutted the Voting Rights Act and not-so-recently upheld segregation. My point is that the Supreme Court cannot be trusted to make the right decision. They also have been known to change their minds. Remember that whilst you’re strutting around feeling vindicated and forcing your semi-coherent opinions down the throats of anyone who wanders within range.

Naturally, I’m talking about assholes on Facebook. I have, of course, already deleted everyone who rants at me, both from my friends list and my life. I am not fucking around.

But that doesn’t stop me from seeing my friends’ friends rant about how said friends are immoral sluts. Nor does it stop me from getting upset on their behalf.

I will never understand why so many people who disagree so strongly with you (or me, or anyone for that matter) feel such a deep and burning desperate need that aches to the very pits of their souls to come along and pick a fight for no good goddamn reason. Did your mother raise you to be nasty and argumentative with every rando who expresses an opinion that differs from your own? Because mine did, and yet I STILL MANAGE TO BE A NICE PERSON, FUCKWAD.

Yes, I know you are entitled to your opinion, and I know that only an arrogant asshole refuses even to try and understand an opposing opinion. But, two things:

  • First of all, I am one hundred and ten percent certain that none of that crossed your mind before you barfed up your poorly-spelled beliefs in someone else’s personal space. In fact, I’m one hundred and ten percent certain that NOTHING crossed your mind before you chose to show the hot chick from your sophomore English class exactly why you’ve been married four times. You just saw an opinion you didn’t agree with and couldn’t stop yourself from smacking it right the fuck down. Look, you’re nurturing relationships, not playing Whack-a-Mole. Before you say something on somebody’s Facebook, imagine walking into their living room, where they’re sitting there knitting and watching Blue’s Clues with their two-year-old, and saying it to their face. If that imaginary scenario ends with an imaginary knitting needle in your imaginary eye, keep your real opinions to yourself.
  • Secondly, I’M supposed to consider YOUR opinion, but you don’t have to consider mine? I may very well be an asshole, but at least I’m not using my powers to pick fights and ruin people’s days, again, FOR NO GOOD GODDAMN REASON. You’re not going to convince anyone by angrily enumerating the reasons why they’re an ignorant wrong stupid slut. 

You catch more flies with HONEY, not ASSHATTERY, ASSHAT.