Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Do You Feel Ugly Without Makeup?

Okay, so full disclosure, I meant to write this post a good two weeks ago, but did not, because I have shit to do, including replacing the carpet in my guest bedroom after the Noob peed all over it, and, I’m told, getting so drunk at a Halloween party that I tried to make out with a guy and then cried for half an hour when he rejected me. It’s just as well; I probably would have puked on him.

That bastion of journalistic integrity, the Daily Mail, recently published the results of a study that 9 out of 10 women wear meticulously applied makeup on the first few dates with a new man, and are careful never to let him see them without makeup for at least the first month of the new relationship, even going so far as to wake up in the middle of the night to sneak off to the loo and apply more makeup so that the poor sap wakes up the next day and thinks to himself, “Awww, she looks so beautiful even when she sleeps.”

When I discovered that all the other women are getting up in the middle of the night to paint their faces so that their boyfriends don’t have to see them without makeup for A SINGLE SECOND, I understood for the first time that this is why dudes say dumb shit like, “I prefer a natural woman who doesn’t wear makeup – you know, like Kim Kardashian.” They have no idea. They think our faces really do look that way all the time.

Apparently a third of women say that their boyfriends probably wouldn’t be dating them if they’d seen them without makeup “too early,” and a third also say they wouldn’t want to run into their ex whilst not wearing makeup (well, no shit), and a fifth say they wouldn’t go to work without makeup.

I’ve probably mentioned before that I don’t wear a lot of makeup, because I’m not sure how to do it. I keep telling myself I’ll learn and sometimes I’ll even buy a bunch of it and Make a Decision to start wearing it “more often” (not “every day” because I work at home and don’t leave the house, and why am I going to spend half an hour painting my face for the cats) but I never get beyond just the face powder and mascara and maybe, on a special occasion, some eyeliner, because that’s all I can manage. The rest of makeup remains a mystery to me.

Not that I don’t get why other people would wear it. I’ve seen those “before and after photos” of the plain chicks putting on makeup and doing their hair and probably getting airbrushed a little and then looking all hot. If I knew how to do that I would totes do it for dates even if it meant that I was single forever because all my dates’ heads kept exploding.

They pretty much do that anyway.

But getting up in the night to put on makeup so dude doesn’t have to rest his delicate eyes on my mascara smudges? Hells no. I’m a human being with body hair and a mustache and weird lips and bags under my eyes and too much chin fat and amazing tits, and the sooner he comes to terms with that, the better. Besides, I like to know as soon as possible if he’s going to be one of those bratty ones who bitches and whines about wanting a “natural” woman, so that I can dump him before he manages to move into my house.

How about you? Do you get up in the middle of the night to put on makeup for a new man, and if so, HOW DO YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT??? Tell me in the comments, I’m dying to know.