I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz online lately about
introverts, and how misunderstood we all are and how unfair it all is, and how
much it sucks to, like, have friends and stuff. Like, hell is other people,
man.
Look, I get it. I, too, have contemplated running away when
someone tries to extend the evening’s outing. I, too, would like to smack the
next person who asks me if I’m sure I’m okay, because I’m “being really quiet.”
I, too, have been known to stare in disbelief when someone barges forward with
making plans for every night of the week because really? Every night? Are you
insane?
And yes, I know it’s hard to explain to some people that,
nothing personal, but you have Netflix to catch up on an your library books are
due at the weekend, and...oh, you want to know what I’m watching? Only boring
stuff, you wouldn’t like it.
Most people in this world like to glom together like jelly
babies left in a hot car, bless them. While it’s always valuable to spread
awareness and educate the sticky, gooey masses, we will always be outnumbered. But
that’s okay, because you can learn to cope, like I have.
Live Alone
If you’re an introvert and you have roommates, you’re doin’
it wrong. How can you do that? It must drive you nuts.
Maybe you can’t live alone. Maybe it’s too expensive in your
area. Consider moving.
Maybe you have a family. I don’t know what to tell you about
that because nobody loves me.
 |
| "I make it a point to bite everyone she dates." |
But, if you can’t live alone for whatever reason, maybe you
should…
Work from Home
This way you get to spend lots of time alone while the other
members of your household are out doing whatever it is they do all day. I
wouldn’t recommend living alone and working from home, which is what I do,
unless you want to end up not speaking to anyone for 14 days straight and then
muttering to yourself aloud in the cat food aisle at MallWart because you
forgot you’re not alone anymore, which is also what I do.
Meditate
Meditating is like squeezing six hours of alone time into 20
minutes. It’s amazing. It will definitely help you keep your sanity when you’ve
been roped into doing something you don’t want to do, like, for example,
anything.
Learn Some Jokes
This’ll make you really popular, and you’ll get invited to a
lot of parties, where you’ll…
Let Other People Do All the Talking
Trust me, they love this. If you’re ever stuck for something
to talk about, talk about the person you’re talking to. People will think
you’re a great listener and they’ll tell you all their problems. Try to look
interested.
And, just in case you’re not feeling it…
Have Some Plausible Excuses
You think you’re coming down with something. You’ve had a
long day. You have a flat tire. You have to get home before the hostages
escape.
Also, there’s an app you can get that will send you fake
calls. Look into it.
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| All the calls I ever get are fake. |
