Some time ago now, I was watching the Today Show one morning, because I am a glutton for punishment, and
some blowhard came on and started lecturing us about how, in a good
relationship, we should share our email, social media, cell phone and
presumably online banking passwords with our partner because, “If you’re
trustworthy, you have nothing to hide.”
Right, that’s what the NSA said. How about, if I’m so trustworthy,
then you trust me.
A few minutes later, the same guy told America that we no longer need to wear socks with our closed-toed dress shoes, so that just goes to show you how
well-thought-out his opinions are.
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Socks are not optional, America. Don't even try it. Image credit: Loran Davis |
In an unprecedented move, I took to the Internets to see
what other people thought before blurting out my half-educated opinions here on
the blog. I thought this would be a good idea because I have, according to an
ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, “a negative attitude about relationships,” for
reasons that remain mysterious.
My search turned up a Pew study that found that one
in three teens share their online passwords with their boyfriends,
girlfriends, or (in the case of the forever alone) besties. According to a New York Times article on the matter,
teens take password-sharing as a sign
of trust and intimacy.
Yeah, but those are teens, and teens are…not renowned for
their ability to think things through. What do full-grown adults think of the
matter?
An informal survey of ten of my Facebook friends and one of
my Twitter followers revealed that the majority of full-grown adults think that
sharing your online passwords with your partner compromises your own personal
space and privacy, which you, as a distinct and separate individual, need and
deserve. No one actually said that; that’s just the impression I got from
reading all of their remarks.
Don’t get me wrong, some of those people did come out on the
side of full password disclosure. One friend, Eileen Dover, said, “My wife
knows my passwords because its always the same and I know hers because I set
them up! We don’t have secrets and have never used them to spy on one another.”
Another friend, Constance Noring, wrote, “Snoop all you
want. Just be prepared for what you find. On that note, my husband and I both
know each others passwords. It’s not a trust thing but a respect thing as well.”
I’m not sure I understand that, because I kind of feel like, if someone
respects me, they’ll respect my right to privacy, but whatevs, it’s not my
husband.
I will say that the general rule of thumb, as I understand
it, about snooping on your partner is that you will be guaranteed to find
something you don’t like, either because a) you realize, either consciously or
not, that there are problems in the relationship, and you’re snooping because
you’ve decided, either consciously or not, to find the evidence you need to
confirm your suspicions; or b) you’re some kind of paranoid jealous wingnut who’s
going to overanalyze and misinterpret whatever you find, even in the absence of
any legitimate evidence of wrongdoing.
Several people said, as Facebook friend Leigh King put it, “You
shouldn’t want to know your spouses passwords and they shouldn’t care if you
know it.” So that would be a “no,” then, I think.
The Twitter follower, @youresuchamom, said, “If you’re doing
something wrong it’s likely on another account anyhow. I let hubs have his privacy.”
Well, I guess that’s logical.
Christina Majaski, whose real name I’m going to go ahead and
use here because everybody already
knows who she is, said, “I think not sharing passwords exhibits more trust
than sharing them. I am definitely going to wonder if the person I’m with
suddenly thinks he needs that information. Granted, because of tech issues and
other things, couples may accidentally just know each other’s passwords, but if
you think you are entitled to this information, ask me for it, expect it, or
think I need to prove something to you by sharing it, then we don’t need to be
together.”
Only one person, Polly Esther, said anything about the
privacy of the people on the other end of your email: “While being open and
honest with [husband] is my #1 priority, keeping my friends personal feelings
and rants private for them is just as important to me as trusting they would
never share mine with someone else. How could I protect their
thoughts/feelings/private conversations if I share my passwords with my
significant other.” That’s right! The people who email you expect privacy too!
But no! Make it all about you!
It's probably obvious that I come down on the side of non-password-sharing. Have you ever heard someone say, "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" It's like that, only with trust instead.
What do you think? Should you share your passwords with your partner?
What do you think? Should you share your passwords with your partner?