Today I was asked to write a piece about unintentional
horror movies. You know – movies, usually aimed at children, which were meant
to be funny or cute, but got lost in translation and wound up fucking
horrifying instead. There was only one I could think of.
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| Gah! Image credit: Juancho20002000 |
That’s not true. There were several I could think of – Labyrinth, for example, or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, or
The Wizard of Oz, or Beetlejuice, which probably wasn’t for
kids, not to mention that one Winnie the Pooh where he eats the bad honey and
the heffalumps come for him.
But those weren’t so bad. Even adults could see why Labyrinth is scary, for example; I mean,
it’s David Bowie for Chrissakes, and as if that weren’t bad enough, at one
point some of those goblins actually pull their own heads off. Also, a kid gets
kidnapped. That’s the exact thing they were always warning us about. Eep.
No, E.T. the
Extraterrestrial was the one film that scared me so badly I had nightmares
for years. The worst part was, everyone kept gushing about how good it was and it won heaps of awards,
so all the grownups insisted on watching it over and over, even as I cowered in
fear.
“What’s the matter?” they’d say (as if it weren’t fucking
obvious). “Don’t be afraid!” they’d say. “He’s a friendly alien!” they’d say.
My ass. There are no friendly aliens. Well, Superman, but
that’s it. Look at the aliens from Close
Encounters of the Third Kind – they kidnapped people and held them captive
for decades. You can’t tell me that’s an act of peace. That’s what they want
you to think.
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| This guy is in cahoots with them. Image credit: Romain Dubois |
As my friend Page pointed out on my Facebook today, E.T. “looked
like a dog turd that talked.” And he turned white like a dog turd too. WTF was
up with that? I’m pretty sure if Elliot hadn’t gotten E.T. back to his home
planet in time, he would have pupated or something. Then we would’ve been
fucked. I mean, if he was so harmless, then why did all those government guys need
hazmat suits and rifles? Oh yeah, they replaced the rifles with walkie-talkies
in the 20th anniversary re-release, but I was there in the 80s, you
guys, I REMEMBER THE RIFLES. I am certain
he used that red laser-finger to steal kidneys. Certain.
So, about the nightmares. For years, as a child, I was
plagued by nightmares that I was trapped in a supermarket at night, and E.T.
was chasing me, making that weird little grunting sound he makes. He was a lot
more agile in my dreams than he is in the film. In order to escape, I’d have to
make it to the candy aisle, find the Reese’s Pieces, and fling them at the
monster. Only then would he leave me alone, to go after the candy.
I didn’t eat Reese’s Pieces as a kid. I still don’t eat them
today.
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| Gross. |
