Saturday, May 4, 2013

There’s a Noob around Here

No, I’m not talking about a baby. That would put me in a real dickpickle.

I’m talking about a kitten.

Okay, so I know the picture’s a little fuzzy – he’s hard to photograph because he moves around so much. It’s fitting that I caught him with his mouth open cause he sure is a talker. He stands at my feet all day, talking and talking and talking and talking. I’m not sure what he wants cause he doesn’t speak English. Occasionally I show him the food, because he can’t seem to remember where it is, and has to keep coming back and asking me to help him find it. Either that, or he’s hoping that he’ll nag me into giving him something better, although what could be better than Purina Kitten Chow I haven’t a clue.

Better than caviar, this.

Sometimes I cuddle him, but he usually smells inexplicably of fish or some other foul thing. (I haven’t quite figured this out yet, either, since I don’t let him outside and I don’t leave fish or other foul things lying around the house. He’s a cat of mystery, right enough.) Other times, I throw a wad of paper, which he’ll chase for exactly 30 seconds before coming back and howling for my attention again. Mostly, I just crank up the tunes to drown out the sound of his grating little voice.

In case you’re wondering, yes, I do still have Shoe, who I call Fatty for short. I brought home the kitten to give Fatty a playmate so he wouldn’t nag me for attention all day while I’m trying to work. That plan backfired horribly.

Fatty likes the kitten, who I’ve been calling Max, although I might change his name to Spot on account of the white spot on his chest and also because I’m a Star Trek fan. Normally Max and Fatty play together all day, but Fatty’s been under the weather lately so Max has been bored. We’re not sure what’s wrong with Fatty, but the vet thinks it might be asthma. That’d be just my luck, having an asthmatic cat. I have no idea how I'd get him to use the inhaler.

Anyway, I know if there’s one thing the Internet loves, it’s cats, so I figured I’d take the excuse to post some gratuitous cat pics and triple my readership.

This is what I wake up to in the morning.

Please disregard the big heap of dirty laundry in the background.

One of these cats is more affectionate than the other.

You're welcome.

UPDATE: It turned out Fatty had pneumonia, probably. Anyway, I had to trick the little fatass into eating medicine, because he will eat literally anything, including nickels, hair pins, and broken shards of pottery, but he will not eat medicine, naturally. So, he's starting to feel better now.