Thursday, May 30, 2013

Some of My Pet Peeves Include…

People who talk about “believing” in things that exist.

Actually, it’s more often people who talk about not believing in things that exist. Like, “I don’t believe in condoms” or “I don’t believe in cat declawing” or “I don’t believe in circumcision.” That’s not even to get into a discussion of whether or not I support the use of these things (yes, no, undecided). Call me a linguistics snob, but whenever someone says “I don’t believe in [thing that exists],” I think to myself, What’s not to believe in, it exists. Sometimes I even say it, too, which is why I don’t have many friends.

People who call women “females.”

Do they call men “males”? I don’t know, because I’ve never spent time with any of these morons. I’ve heard of them, though, and just knowing they exist annoys me.

People who drive really fast on dirt roads.

It's always dudes who barrel down dirt roads at 30 or 40 miles per hour (which, if you're not in the know, is easily twice as fast as you need to drive on a one-lane, unpaved thoroughfare) because "it's so much fun." They may be perfectly cautious, responsible drivers on paved surfaces, but put them on a dirt road and all bets are off. It's a public byway, not your personal go-cart track. I'm sure it'll be lots of fun when you career around a blind turn and slam into somebody's huge truck.

People who say the color pink is for little girls.

Motherfucker, the color pink is for whoever fucking likes their shit to be pink, that’s what. I painted one of the rooms in my house pink, and my aunts teased me about it because I’m “too old for pink.” I’m a grown-ass woman and if I want a pink room, I’ll have one.

Idiotic labels on food.

Most food labels are useful, but some food labels are just as dumb as the instructions on a box of toothpicks (“Discard toothpick after use. Do not swallow.”). The other day I bought a can of peaches, and on the can was a label that said, “FAT FREE!” Of course they’re fat free, they’re peaches.

"Fatty Peaches" would make a good band name, though, IMO.

Money-saving advice columns that tell me to make my own coffee at home.

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like every money-saving article on the Internet includes this nugget of wisdom:

“Save loads of money by making your own morning coffee at home, instead of spending five dollars a day at Starbucks!”

Well damn, that never would’ve crossed my mind on its own. These articles also include tidbits like “Cut back on your restaurant dining!” or “Combine trips to save gas!” No one facing penury hasn’t thought of these things, guys. Try harder.

Articles about all the things one should know/have/be/do by a specific age, usually 30.

These articles amount to a collection of the author’s prejudices. They say things like “You should stop calling your parents Mommy and Daddy” or “You should own your own home” or “You should wear an ankle-length flannel nightgown and only have sex in the dark, through a hole in the sheet.” You never see an article called “50 Things You Should Have by Age 50” because no self-respecting 50-year-old would read that crap.

None of the ones I know would, anyway.