Jealousy is a no good, horrible, very bad thing. It will
turn you into the worst person ever in no time at all. Some people say jealousy
is a healthy thing. I say those people are stupid.
I get jealous sometimes, just like everyone else. When I
feel jealousy coming on, I try to remind myself that the grass
is always greener over the septic tank. As long as I’m pontificating on the
subject, I might as well go ahead and point out that while you’re busy being
jealous of someone else’s great hair or new car or go-go-Gadget arms or
whatever, they are almost always jealous of your amazing breasts, horticulture
skills, or laser vision. It’s a universal constant.
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| Can you tell I'm just making things up. |
Even worse than the effect your jealousy has on you is the effect
it has on other people. It will make them avoid you. No one has time for your unpleasantness.
When I was a little girl and got picked on in school –
usually for being
a genius – my grandmother used to say, “It’s just because they’re jealous.”
That’s why I think that anyone who leaves me negative blog comments or sends me
hate mail is jealous – and why wouldn’t they be, because I am awesome.
Sexual jealousy is the worst. Being smoking
hot like I am gets you a lot of that. The unpleasant ex Toad Blowhard was
madly jealous, because deep down in his reptilian brain he understood that
literally any man, even a comatose one, would be better for me than he was. Needless
to say, I am no longer dating jealous types. That isn’t to say I’m not still on
the wrong end of some sexual jealousy. I know a lot of dudes who are
jealous because I had sex with some other dude instead of having sex with them,
and God forbid they should let me just get away with the crime of making my own
choices. I swear, I must be part of some top-secret government
crazy-magnet-implant experiment. There’s just no other explanation.
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| I will pry that thing out with a fork if it comes to it. |
