Thursday, April 11, 2013

J is for Jealousy

Jealousy is a no good, horrible, very bad thing. It will turn you into the worst person ever in no time at all. Some people say jealousy is a healthy thing. I say those people are stupid.

I get jealous sometimes, just like everyone else. When I feel jealousy coming on, I try to remind myself that the grass is always greener over the septic tank. As long as I’m pontificating on the subject, I might as well go ahead and point out that while you’re busy being jealous of someone else’s great hair or new car or go-go-Gadget arms or whatever, they are almost always jealous of your amazing breasts, horticulture skills, or laser vision. It’s a universal constant.

Can you tell I'm just making things up.

Even worse than the effect your jealousy has on you is the effect it has on other people. It will make them avoid you. No one has time for your unpleasantness. 

When I was a little girl and got picked on in school – usually for being a genius – my grandmother used to say, “It’s just because they’re jealous.” That’s why I think that anyone who leaves me negative blog comments or sends me hate mail is jealous – and why wouldn’t they be, because I am awesome.

Sexual jealousy is the worst. Being smoking hot like I am gets you a lot of that. The unpleasant ex Toad Blowhard was madly jealous, because deep down in his reptilian brain he understood that literally any man, even a comatose one, would be better for me than he was. Needless to say, I am no longer dating jealous types. That isn’t to say I’m not still on the wrong end of some sexual jealousy. I know a lot of dudes who are jealous because I had sex with some other dude instead of having sex with them, and God forbid they should let me just get away with the crime of making my own choices. I swear, I must be part of some top-secret government crazy-magnet-implant experiment. There’s just no other explanation.

I will pry that thing out with a fork if it comes to it.