Monday, February 25, 2013

27 Things I Wish Would Happen to My Unpleasant Ex

I was inspired to write this list by the Screeching Weasel song “27 Things I Wanna Do to You,” which I always thought would have been a much better song if he had listed the 27 things. I’m not saying I personally want to do anything to that shitstain I inexplicably lived with for three years, but if one or more of these things happened to befall him without my intervention, I would be not be upset. I would in fact be rather pleased.

For the record, my unpleasant ex Toad Blowhard was not only stupid, but also kinda controlling, and, as I have mentioned at least once before, actually just downright abusive. For more background, he keeps sending me the freakiest rambling, incoherent, poorly typed and semi-literate emails even though I haven’t had contact with him for almost five years. I know I’m opening myself up to (more) people telling me what a heartless, caustic, unlovable bitch I am, and that it was NO LESS THAN I DESERVED FOR DATING HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, and how it’s NO SURPRISE AT ALL that I’m not in a relationship now and that I’m gonna be SINGLE FOR EVARRR because I just can’t realize that THE ONLY CONSTANT IS ME. Please be sure to tell everyone you know about your deep and life-changing outrage, and send them to this blog so they can be outraged, too.

It's the right thing to do.

Without further ado, here are the 27 things I wish would happen to Toad Blowhard:

  1. Eaten by bears. Fuck that, eaten by ROBOT BEARS. Fuck that, eaten by ROBOT ZOMBIE BEARS! RARRRRGARGH!
  2. Abducted by aliens, probed in every orifice with big, nasty, gleaming phallic things with lots of pointy bits that pop out and open up like tulips and spin around, then…
  3. … ejected into the cold, empty, emotionless vacuum of space. NOT picked up by a passing spaceship in the nick of time.
  4. Haunted by a vengeful spirit. A poltergeist would do, especially if it pursued him through multiple homes and/or trapped him in the television set, or possibly forced him to live as algorithm on the Internet, but in 1993.
  5. Sucked into a black hole and shot out into another dimension to start a new existence as a strand of meat spaghetti.
  6. Sucked through an inter-dimensional portal into a land of tall, strapping Amazon women who literally eat punks like him for breakfast.
  7. Eaten for breakfast by tall, strapping inter-dimensional Amazon women.
  8. Fell into a time machine, sacrificed to the Aztec gods.
  9. Enslaved by a voodoo sorcerer and made into a proper zombie. Forced into slavery on a sugar plantation, probably.
  10. Hit by a car while jaywalking, which could totally happen, cause he jaywalks all the time. Doesn’t even look first, or anything. I’ve really got my fingers crossed for this one.
  11. Subjected to four-plus years’ worth of illegible hate mail from a self-important lunatic. I don’t know why I’d wish that on him, hint hint hint.
  12. Pecked to death by blue jays. Not that I have anything against blue jays, I’ve just always thought they looked the type.
  13. Hunted by billionaires on a deserted tropical island.
  14. Kept alive and on display in a zoo in a futuristic dystopia in which the Earth is ruled by sentient octopi who have also evolved lungs, I guess, and probably wear baseball caps and eat lollipops and shit. Lollipops made out of fish, prawns, crabs, polychaete worms and other cephalopods.
  15. Shrunk by a mad scientist to the size of an insect, like in that movie. Only not getting rescued, ever. He doesn’t need more shit to bragplain about. It’d be cool if he got eaten by a cat, because cats are the John Wayne Gacys of the pet world and it would totally rip one of his legs off, and then laugh while he bled out. That would be poetic justice too, because he used to kick my cat.
  16. Forced to fight Daryl Dixon to the death. His own, of course, when Daryl breaks his arms and legs and leaves him behind as bait to help the rest of the group escape from a horde of zombies. Yes!
  17. Victimized by ants crawling into his ear while he’s asleep, burrowing into his skull, and making a nest in his brain! Doctors will be unable to operate, you see, because the ants will be constantly crawling around!
  18. Sacrificed to a volcano god. He’s not a virgin but there’s got to be at least one volcano god who doesn’t slut-shame. Also, I understand that when you’re chucked into a volcano you don’t actually sink down into the lava, but lie atop it and burst into flames.
  19. Forced to work in Santa’s workshop. It’s nine million miles from the nearest bus stop, and I hear he pays in candy canes.
  20. Had his lips chewed off by ferrets. My mother owned some ferrets when I was a kid, and she was always warning me that if I didn’t wash my face at bedtime, they’d chew my lips off. It was traumatic, actually.
  21. Stung to death by scorpions, since he loves the fucking desert so much. I wondered how many scorpions it takes to sting a person to death, so I googled “how many scorpions does it take to sting a person to death,” and the answer is, it depends on the scorpion. So, I guess I’ll have to hope that he gets stung by a whole bunch of deadly scorpions. I honestly can’t think of a worse death. Scorpions are awful. They’re like a spider married a centipede and settled down in my nightmares. Just looking at a picture of one makes me want to throw up.
  22. Hit by a block of blue ice, which is human waste that leaks out of an airplane toilet and crashes to Earth. It wouldn’t even have to kill him, it could just knock a big hole in his roof or crush his car. As a bonus, it would melt and leave turds laying around everywhere.
  23. Soul-harvested by a ghost after failing to forward the creepiest chain letter in the world. If he even has a soul, that is. I don’t believe in souls so I find this kind of thing ridiculous.
  24. Picked up by a tornado and deposited in a tree. Again, doesn’t have to kill him. It’s pretty funny to think about him trying to tell everyone that he was picked up by a tornado and deposited in a tree and everyone just rolling their eyes at him like “Suuuuure you were,” except they already do that anyway about everything, unless things have changed a lot since I knew him. It’d be even funnier if there were a cow in the tree, not that I wish harm on innocent bovines.
  25. Taken by a cramp when swimming after eating. I don’t remember ever seeing him swim. Maybe he doesn’t know how.
  26. Eaten by a giant catfish the size of a Winnebago, which would naturally have to seize him after he’s taken by the aforementioned cramp. Some say the giant catfish are an urban legend, but my granddad told me they were real, and he didn’t have a reason to lie.
  27. Stalked by a small man in a clown suit. The small clown would follow him everywhere and whenever he was eating or doing anything, the small clown would just stand there and stare at him.