Several weeks ago, Christina at Solitary Mama blogged
about serial killers, specifically, how to tell if the guy you are dating/are
out on a date with RIGHT NOW actually is one. This is crucial stuff, especially
in these modern times when we’re all meeting strangers from the Internet, egged
on by that one smug bastard you know who’s all “Yeah, I meant my wife on Match.com
and we couldn’t be happier.” They say 20%
of relationships start online these days. They don’t say how many of those
relationships end in murder, but I bet it’s a lot.
Christina already covered some of the basic signs of serial
killer-hood, like “bragging about his mad serial killing skills,” “carrying a
sword,” “taking you ketchup shopping,” “laughing like a maniac when you talk
about your dead parents/sister/brother/kid/friend/dog,” and “being completely
insane.” Here are some of the more subtle clues:
1) He’s Got a
Case of Paper Towels, a Bucket of Bleach, and a Box of Rubber Gloves in His
Backseat.
Yeah, it’s possible that he owns a hotel and really needs
that stuff to clean the room. It’s more likely he’s going to use it to scrub
your blood off his leather seats, lady.
RUN IF:
There’s also a shovel and a coil of rope.
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| Or an axe or a hammer or anything like that. ~ Luigi Zanasi |
2) He Keeps
Calling His “Mother”
Now let’s be honest, nobody calls their mother more than
like, once a week, tops. Well, I’m only assuming that, because in my experience, mothers have
a way of calling you.
RUN IF:
He fills in his mother’s side of the conversation in a high
falsetto voice.
 |
| "Yes, Norman, she sounds like a very nice girl." |
3) He Emails
You Even Though You Didn’t Give Him Your Email Address, or Your Name
This actually happened to me, and I may yet be serial killed
for blogging about it. If I disappear or get murdered, you can find the guy’s
number on the note I left on my dresser. I was going to straight-up make a
bulletin board labeled “People Who May Have Murdered Me,” but I thought that
might make me look paranoid to potential suitors.
 |
| Who will then feel free to murder me, since there are already plenty of other leads. |
I didn’t meet this guy online; I met him at the bar. Which
is to be expected, since we already know the
bar is crawling with weirdos.
Like I said, I didn’t even give the guy my name, much less
my email address, but he somehow sleuthed it out anyway. I’m not a regular at
this particular bar or anything, so Creepo would have had to use some dodgy
detective skills to get this information which I, let me reiterate, did not in
any way freely offer to him. Then he totally starts emailing me out of nowhere,
and when I write back to tell him that he’s being creepy because I didn’t even
tell him my name, he got all butthurt and claimed that he “overheard [me] tell
the bartender” when I cashed out my tab and that there was “no mystery” in
that.
RUN IF:
You should already be running, but definitely run faster if
he invites you to drop everything and drive two and a half hours to his isolated
woodland cabin for a “long weekend.”
BONUS:
Dude sent me this photo, to lure me out, I guess:
 |
| He's got beer? I'm in! No, but, seriously, I'm grateful it wasn't a crotch shot. |
4) He Talks About
Bladed Weapons a Lot
Now, Christina mentions “brings a sword” as something that
is totally, legit weird and a sign that your date is either a serial killer,
one of The Three Musketeers, Puss in Boots (d’awwwww), or a Marine in full
dress uniform. Alternatively, you’re twelve years old, the sword is plastic, and
it’s not really a date because your mother is there.
I think that just talking about bladed weapons a lot on a
date (especially a first date) is probably a bad sign, because nobody really
uses machetes or samarai swords or throwing stars or anything like that for
non-nefarious purposes anymore, unless they’re like, a jungle explorer, and
that really rules out samarai swords, throwing stars, and switchblade knives.
 |
| You're not still dating that 1950's gang member, are you? |
RUN IF:
He speaks wistfully of “that feeling you get when you smell
blood,” especially if he also tries to “show you his knife."
5) You Have No
Idea Where He’s Taking You
You asked him to take you home, but he’s driving off in the
other direction. I hope you have a cell phone signal, or at the very least, a
fork in your purse.
RUN IF:
It’s already too late.
 |
| FORK HIM! |
