There are plenty of things I can't
stand and things I'm getting really sick of, but they don't
necessarily send me into a blind rage. These things, on the other
hand, do.
1) My Mother
Momma gave me life and nurtured that
life, and because she did this, she has the ability to send me from
calm to enraged in about three seconds flat. She knows where my
buttons are, and exactly how to push them. Why wouldn't she? She
installed most of them.
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| "The one on the left makes her scream for some reason." ~ Brian Snelson |
2) Stupid People
Contrary to popular belief, I do not
hate men. But stupid people, on the other hand, make me wanna puke in
my own cupped hands, just to have something to throw.
Momma used to say, “It's not their
fault they're stupid,” but neverthe-f*cking-less. Some of these
f*cking people.
I'm not talking about your
run-of-the-mill stupid person who confuses “your” with “you're.”
I'm not a Grammar Nazi; I know what you damn well meant.
I'm talking about the kind of epically
stupid person who lets a newborn baby starve to death because they wanted to feed it a vegan diet. Apparently, human breast milk
exploits animals, now.
Or the type of stupid person who handcuffs himself to a girl because she wouldn't go out with him.Learn to handle rejection, dude.
Or even the type of stupid person who
buys an iPad from some dude on the street, only to find out later
that it's a slab of painted wood.
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| You had that coming, you know. |
3) Pop Music
Especially those drawn-out, whiny songs
with lyrics which, when you listen to them, don't seem to make sense.
I mean, they sound nice and all, when you're sort of half-listening
on the drive home from work. Then again, I'm always ruining great
songs by listening to them – like that Cat Stevens song “Wild
World.” Listen to that sh*t closely sometime. The guy's a f*ckin'
asshole.
Maybe they're not meant to be listened
to; maybe that's where I'm going wrong. I should go back to writing
grocery lists in my head.
4) Your Favorite Band
No doubt falls under the former
category, and even if it doesn't, it sucks. Turn that crap off,
before I throw my puke on you.
5) Snoring
Of all the things to hate in this
world, I hate snoring most. It's not that it keeps me awake, it's
that it disembowels my brain with a red-hot ice-pick. I find myself
filled with Zeus-like wrath, for no good reason at all. Honestly,
it's completely irrational. Snoring pisses me off even when I've no
intention of trying to sleep. If I'm at a party, for instance, and
there's some dude snoring on the couch, I will totally pinch his nose
closed. Serves him f&cking right.
I hate snoring even when animals do it.
I've become irate with sleeping dogs, for f*ck's sake.
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| Best to let them lie, really. ~ Jennie Faber |
In a cruel twist of Fate, almost every
man I've ever dated snored like the devil all night long. So I guess
this belongs on the “Reasons I'm Single” list, really.
