Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Debates: They Drive Me to Drink

Monday night, as you may have noticed, the third and final Dem/GOP Presidential debate took place, and gawd was it f*cking boring. There were some sterling moments, don’t get me wrong, but altogether I found myself wishing I’d bought the big bottle of wine.

*sigh* ~ Andre Karwath

For one thing, I thought this was supposed to be a foreign policy debate, but Mittens kept steering it back to things like education and Obamacare, which I thought were domestic concerns. But of course Mittens wouldn’t want to talk about foreign policy, because his probably consists of “bomb people and act stupid.” This race is entirely too close, which is a shame for every other country in the world, since a BBC World Service poll shows that most of them clearly prefer Obama for the winner. I didn’t need a poll to tell me how the rest of the world feels, and not just because I’ve been out there fairly recently. It’s also because all of my non-American friends have been messaging me like, “Tell me this isn’t happening,” and I’m all, “I really wish I could.”

"I'm sorry, World."

This debate wasn’t even a debate, since the only time they really argued about anything was when Romney started babbling about his education record as governor of Massachusetts and all those filthy plebs begging for medicine like they think they’re people. Mittens lied, Obama called him out on it, Mittens got his feelings hurt. Mittens said some outrageous things, Obama made fun of him, Mittens got his feelings hurt. The words “Attacking me is not an agenda” haunt my dreams. Someone should explain this “attacking ≠ agenda” to the whole GOP, fer realz. Besides, it's a freaking debate, dude, you're supposed to argue, not sit there nodding frantically while sweat drips down your makeup-caked temples and your sentient hair sinks its tentacles ever further into your brain.

Called it. ~ Gage Skidmore

One of the highlights of the debate occurred when Romney accused Obama of weakening the nation's navy. Specifically, Mittens declared that our Navy is the smallest it's been since 1917, which, while technically true, doesn't actually mean anything, as Obama pointed out with his now-famous “horses and bayonets” quip. Richard Danzig, former secretary of the Navy under the Clinton administration, tells The Huffington Post, “The Navy is stronger than it's ever been.” He also points out that the Navy shrank under Dubya, but that Obama has been rebuilding it.

I find it worth noting that Republicans have called the “horses and bayonets” remark “unbecoming” and “a sign of...'desperation.'” Florida senator Marco Rubio announced, “[Obama] compared the modern Navy to bayonets and horses,” which isn't the biggest deliberate misunderstanding of the campaign, but it makes the list. Rom-com adviser Dan Senor remarked, “President Obama looked like a frustrated politician who knew he was losing momentum. He looked angry.” Gee, Dan, angry? Ya think?

Current secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus calls our modern ships “far more capable than any ships we've ever had,” and asserts that “comparing them to the old fleet in terms of numbers is sort of like comparing iPhones to the telegraph.”

There's an analogy you kids can understand.

Facts or no facts, the Romney campaign isn't backing down from this assertion. Mittens has released a campaign ad reiterating the “Navy smallest in 100 years” refrain, because a country's military is analogous to its cock, and there are plenty of idiots who will hear that and clutch theirs.

Mittens also earned another collective facepalm (at least, like, 25 million faces wide) for remarking that Syria was Iran's only route to the sea. Anyone could fact check this by looking at a map, but I know most Americans break into hives at the very thought, which is why I'm skipping family dinner this Sunday.

No one is surprised that he said this, but what you probably didn't know is that he's said the same thing before – five times.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Actually, the UK Guardian says “at least five times before,” because there is just no measuring the stupidity of Mittens “Magic Underwear” Romney.

You know how a couple of months ago Republican Todd Akin spouted all that “legitimate rape” business? Yeah, of course you do. Well, yesterday, Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock said that pregnancy from rape is God's will.

When asked to elaborate, Mourdock stated that he “struggled with it...for a long time,” but ultimately decided that, rape or no rape, he can only condone abortion in cases where the mother's life is at stake. After drawing criticism from basically everyone, including the Romney campaign itself, Mourdock rushed to assure the world that he's certain God doesn't actually cause rapes themselves, just the babies that sometimes result from those rapes.

Thanks for clearing that up, asshat.

Mitt Romney keeps talking about “getting tough” with China, because threatening China is always a great idea. He plans to demonstrate his Chinese foreign policy by closing the Sensata factory in Freeport, IL on 5 November, the day before the election, and firing 170 skilled workers in order to send those jobs to – you guessed – China. The workers, who have already been required to train their own replacements, are currently protesting, while Romney himself vigorously ignores them. He's got better things to do, like keep up his spray tan. Of course, this is the guy who apparently sincerely believes that those fences around sweatshops are there to keep the overzealous masses from storming the place and building Apple Macs by force.

I hate Steve Jobs, too. ~ Matthew Yohe