Thursday, August 9, 2012

5 Things I'll Do If I Lose My Mind

I should probably say “when.”

Buy a Pug

I hate dogs. I hate that you have to teach them not to sh*t wherever they happen to be standing. I hate barking. I hate wagging. I hate playing fetch. I hate obedience and I can't stand unconditional love.

I don't mind walkies. Those are okay.

That said, I've always kinda wanted a pug. They're just such precious, snuffly little bastards.


Purchase Any of These Items


If any of you ever buys me a tiny, paisley hammer, I'm going to bury it right between your eyes.

Those are pink flamingos embroidered on those trousers, if you couldn't tell.

Admittedly, the large bottles are kinda cool. Every time I go into an antique shop, I feel a little sympathy for compulsive hoarders. I won't become one, though, because I'm not the kind of person who keeps useless things around, unless they are cats.

Hoard Cats

The pug's gonna hate that.

"Fuck you [snort, wheeze, snuffle] bitch." ~  Piotr Czerniawski 

Vote Republican

I'd be concerned about that statement pissing some people off, but something tells me they aren't here with us today.

Move to an Ashram in India

Or maybe Colorado, since it's closer and I won't need a visa. Does anyone know if India gives out “white pampered spiritual pilgrim” visas? Do they give them to Republicans? Can I bring the pug?

He can do yoga.

I guess I'll have to ditch the 75 cats and the floral garden tools, though. One must surrender all attachments to achieve enlightenment.

Plus pink flamingos are a sin. I think.

(Btw I'm sorry I haven't blogged in like two months. I had to test your loyalty cause I'm insecure and manipulative. That's a lie, it's actually cause I'm lazy and I suck. I promise to do better in the future. At least until I don't.)