I must apologize for not
having blogged in like, three weeks. I hope you guys still love me.
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| Who am I kidding, I know you do. |
The penis is a wonderful
thing. Not as great as boobs, of course, but only because there's two
of those.
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| Normally. |
No one's actually complained
about my ignoring the penis, or anything, mostly because I don't, ha
ha ha.
I just thought it would make
a good topic, you know, since I haven't thought of anything good in a
while now. Also, I'm tired.
1) A New Jersey woman, Kasia
Rivera, has been charged with manslaughter after the 22-year-old man
whose penis she injected with silicone died.
I'll go ahead and let you
read that again.
22-year-old Justin Street
elected to receive back-alley penis-enhancement surgery at the home
of Ms. Rivera, 34, on 5 May 2011. Just one day later, Street died
when a chunk of the silicone traveled to his lung, causing an
embolism. Rivera was also charged with unlicensed medical practice.
Apparently, the black-market
use of cosmetic silicone injections takes place in “pumping
parties,” which are totally a thing (a bad thing) and not as sexy
as they sound (at all). Another jailhouse surgeon, Oneal Ron Morris,
was charged last year with injecting a blend of Fix-a-Flat,
superglue, mineral oil and cement into her “patients.” But that
was into other parts of the body, not the penis, so it doesn't belong
in this blog post.
2) In a victory for the private
parts of men in Papua New Guinea, 53-year-old fisherman and host of
TV's River Monsters captured a local terror known as The Ball Cutter. The Ball Cutter was 40-lb Pacu fish. These fish, which are
native to the Amazon, normally eat (regular) nuts and seeds. In Papua
New Guinea, where the species was introduced about 15 years ago, they
eat human nuts and seeds. At least two men have died from
having their testicles bitten off by a huge fish with powerful jaws
and razor-sharp teeth. Turns out, I was right to be afraid of fish.
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| Look at it, with those beady little eyes, watching you for any signs of vulnerability. |
3) Scientists have recently
discovered that the ostrich, a member of the rattite family of birds,has “bloodless” erections. Most birds do not have penises or
vaginas, but reproduce by rubbing their cloaca, or “piss sh*t and
semen holes,” together until the magic happens. The ostrich though,
it totally has a penis.
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| Don't worry, it's not going to get bitten or injected with cement. ~ A Kniesel |
Some other birds, like
swans, geese, and ducks, also have penises. Unlike humans and
mammals, bird erections don't happen when the penis becomes engorged
with blood, but with lymph fluid. It would seem that 19th century
researchers reported that the ostrich penis operated on blood, so to
speak, creating what news outlets refer to as “a centuries long
mystery,” since this flew in the face of everything science knew
about penis-having birds.
It has become apparent now
that those researchers were wrong, and that ostrich penises work in
the same way that other bird penises do, so the puzzle that has
baffled mankind for centuries (centuries!!) has now been solved.
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| At last. |
4) According to researchers in
Flagstaff, AZ, the penis is home to 42 kinds of bacteria, and I don't
mean syphilis, I mean normal flora. Drs. Cindy Liu and Lance Price
found that circumcision reduces the normal bacteria population of the
surface of the penis by some unspecified number.
Dr. Price hilariously
explains, "I liken it to clear-cutting a forest. You're going to get a lot more sunlight and you're going to drastically change the environment."
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| Pictured: circumcision. ~ Tero Laakso |
