I live with a couple of my
mother's sisters. I don't have a husband or children so these women
are, for all practical purposes, my family. I have a mother, but she
doesn't come around very often cause we're weird. For instance:
We Have Far Too Many Damn
Mugs
Just to be clear, we have
this many mugs:
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| That's not even all of them, I might add. |
And for some reason, people
(not me, THEM) keep buying more mugs. As if we needed them. Every
time someone brings home a new mug, they say, “There's no damn room
in here for this mug!” Every time.
The House is as Hot as Hell
Itself
Seriously, it's over 80
degrees in here right now. I've got my windows open and the fan on
and it's like, literally freezing outside but it's figuratively
boiling in here.
It's because we have a coal
furnace and it's really easy to overheat the house when you're
burning coal. But hang on, wait a minute...
Why the Hell Do We Have a
Coal Furnace?
It's 2012, who heats their house with coal anymore? Is this A
Christmas Carol? Are we Bob Cratchitt? I didn't think so. Where
the hell does the coal even come from?
Yes, I know it comes from
the coal mine, shuddup. Apparently, you can still buy coal for your
own personal use. Who knew.
 |
| Nothing says "Appalachia" like having your own coal bin. |
The Blender is, Like, a
Million Years Old
Now, I don't mean to make it
sound like I'm picking on one particular household appliance, at the
exclusion of all the others. Except I am, cause all the other
appliances are fairly new and in good working order. It's just the
blender that appears to be a time-traveler from 1978.
 |
| Hey baby, what's your sign? |
It doesn't work terribly
well anymore. I guess blending things is not a priority.
There Are BIG F*CKING SNAKES
in the Basement, I Guess
A couple of weeks ago I was
sitting up in my room working quietly away, and the aunts were down
in the basement cleaning out about fifty years' worth of my
grandparents' stuff, which they won't be needing anymore on account
of being dead. The neighbor boy, Nick, was down there helping them. I
could hear them talking cause they're loud as hell and the floors are
thin, although I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but it
probably wasn't that interesting, anyway.
The afternoon wore on in
this manner until shrieks of “SNAKE! SNAKE! GET RID OF IT, NICK!!”
commenced. I was glad Nick was there because f*ck wrangling snakes.
Later, they were quick to
assure me that it wasn't a big deal, only a THIRTY-FOOT PYTHON that
crawled in through the window.
 |
| By "thirty foot python" I mean "small black snake." Naturally. |
Seriously though, the snake
gets bigger every time they tell the story. It must be a mile long by
now.
|
| I've come to eat your children, sssssssssssssss. |
Also, Severed Heads
I walked into the “sewing
room” the other day to find this lying on the table:
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| A SEVERED F*CKING HEAD!!! |
Okay, it's only a teddy bear
head, but it's still pretty freakin' creepy, dude.
