Monday, April 2, 2012

3 Bitchery Basics (A Bitchery Triad Post)

While it's been made pretty clear that no one else can join the triad (triad being three after all, as some asshat on Twitter or Triberr was quick to point out last time, even though, you know, we already knew), the other bitches and I have discussed it and decided that we're going to allow people to write their own Bitchery posts. This is something like those kits you can buy in the children's crafts aisle at MallWart, you know, the Make Your Own [fill in the blank] deal where the thing you wind up making is kinda small, flimsy, and constructed largely of macrame cord, but that's just what you get for not being as awesome as me, I mean, us.

"Congratulations, it's a...what is it?"

Here, my little grasshoppers, are the three basic elements of bitchery. Slap these suckers together about any old way, and you get a bunch of angry f*ckers shouting at you on Facebook.

Or is that just me?

Speak Your Mind

Apparently this is one of the bad behaviors my grandmother, a paragon of politeness and good manners, tried to root out of my black little heart early on. She was too ladylike to ever find fault with anyone, however, and also, my mother was around, totally modeling bad behavior.

Be Funny

Actually being funny means that people will forgive you for number one, most of the time. I don't mean funny in that “I was actually insulting you but now that you're offended I'm going to say I was joking, and try to convince you you're oversensitive” kind of way. That's for loser boyfriends. You want to be genuinely funny, and if you want to insult someone, make it stupid people, since they probably don't read your blog and if they do, their enraged comments will only add to the fun. If you f*ck this up, kid, you'll get fired from the Internet.

We can do that, you know.

Be Insanely Smart, and Hot, and Kinda Scary

That's three things, I know, but I couldn't decide which was most important. You're on your own for the first one, but you can accomplish the last two easily by setting yourself on fire.

Ha ha ha, ha ha.

Follow us on Twitter to get bitchery delivered in 140 characters or less, and like our Facebook page for updates on our upcoming link-up blog. In the meantime, feel free to post your own Bitchery Replies on the Facebook page, either in link form or in long, rambling Wall Post Rant form, whichever suits your personal style.

Don't forget to check out Solitary Mama and Bubblegum Cari for their own Bitchery Triad posts.

Until next time, bitch on, friends.