Monday, March 19, 2012

Things You Can Buy from The National Enquirer

The other day I was visiting with my grandma's cousin, cause that's the way we roll in West Virginia. Actually, my aunt (I call her Number Three because she's my mother's third oldest sister) and my mother were over there cleaning the place in exchange for Cuz-Ma (I don't really call her that) doing their taxes. I do my own taxes so I supervised.

Cuz-Ma's an elderly lady, and no longer able to get around very well, since she has a bad heart -- hence the need for somebody else to clean her house. She spends her days watching Lifetime movies, knitting, overfeeding her poodle and reading The National Enquirer, which you didn't know anybody actually read.

I was leafing through one of them when I noticed an advertisement for the following:

Solar-powered lawn meerkats.

Kind of cute, until you realize they glow in the dark, so they look like they're radioactive. Also, they're meerkats, WTF. First time I've ever heard of anyone decorating their lawn and/or lighting their footpaths with carnivorous rodents.

But what they hey, they're ten dollars off.

Naturally, I wanted to know what other luxury items can be purchased from the pages of The National Enquirer. You can buy:

Elvis Presley 30th Anniversary Memorial Half-Dollar

Dear Lord in Heaven, I'd fake my own death too.

Sculpted knives depicting the archangels.

Holy sh*t are you kidding me? That's got to be some kind of sin, I mean look at these things. Just look at them. I wonder, are they purely for decorative use, or can they hold an edge? Is there a special Hell for stabbing someone with an archangel knife? Is there a special Hell within that special Hell for stabbing someone to death with an archangel knife?

Also, I'm Catholic and I don't think there are that many archangels. I think they threw in some extras to jack up the price.

Marilyn Monroe commemorative statuette.

Well, isn't that nice. Except, I don't think Marilyn Monroe was quite that thin.

Nope, definitely not that thin.

Also, look more closely at the statuette's legs. They're actually freakishly long.

Majestic Guardians wall sculpture.

This thing serves absolutely no purpose, practical or otherwise. I think it means to symbolize the monogamous, lifelong mating habits of the American bald eagle, but it comes off looking like that big one's attacking the others. Or maybe that's just me.

"Country Pride" rooster wall clock.

You can hang this next to your eagle thingy to complete your bird-themed decor.

Dale Earnhardt commemorative...thing.

I have nothing against Dale Earnhardt, but everything against having to dust his memory.

I Love Lucy cuckoo clock.

When it chimes, a little bitty bonbon assembly line spins out. That's kind of cool, actually. You can hang it up right next to your...

Wizard of Oz hourglass lamp.
Oh hells yeah.