Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Scary Toys of MallWart

So, a couple of weeks ago I was bored on a Sunday night, so I decided to go hang around in Wal-Mart for a couple of hours. Because I live in West Virginia, and we'll get a decent pub in about another forty years or so.

And when we do, it'll look like this. ~ dok1

Sheer desperation forced me to Use My Imagination, just like when I was a kid. As you may have noticed, I've gotten really good at it.

Growing up here will do that to you.

So I wondered over to the toy section, where imagination springs to life, or goes to die, depending on your lifetime level of exposure to Hippie-fied Ideas and, of course, the strength of your natural immune response. Here are some of the toys I found:

Oversized Head Dolls.

I know you can't really tell from the picture, but these dolls have heads the size of baseballs. WTF, dude.

Speaking of oversized heads:

Gah. Look at the lips on that thing.


I was never real big on girlie toys, perhaps because they're so freakin' creepy.

Baby Alive? Looks like Baby Undead to me, actually.

Disney: Where every princess has the exact same face...

...except for Ariel, who seems to have developed a peanut allergy...

...and Cinderella, who also has a rather oversized head.

Barbie's really starting to show her age...

...and seems to have dumped Ken for his grandson.

Seriously, you guys, he looks about 17. Can anyone say, "Jailbait Barbie?"

Also, this:

I don't think the Dynasty Barbies are for kids.
I don't think these are for kids, either. At least, I hope not.

I was verbally assaulted by a Sesame Street character...

Haunted Elmo, sponsored by the letter F.

...and then I found these, which I'm not even sure I wanna know about:

Did I mention lips already? *shudder*

The Easy-Bake Ovens are super futuristic:

Reminds me of The Jetsons.

And we might as well prepare our kids for the zombie apocalypse...

...whether they're as good as zombified...

...or not.