Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Quitting Smoking: Day Twenty-One

That's three weeks today, kids! But I'm going to keep counting the days instead, because it's a bigger number and that's more impressive.

After consuming an entire bag of Jolly Ranchers in less than a week, I have moved on to Dum-Dum lollipops. It only took me three weeks to locate a bag of Dum-Dum lollipops in my town. Apparently, they're impossible to keep in stock for some reason.

Progress so far:

I am now officially addicted to lollipops.


Seriously, I've gone lollipop-crazy. Not only that, but my aunts/housemates keep dragging sweets into the house, which I'm having a hard time resisting. For some reason, I just want to stuff things into my mouth.

I'm not going to have teeth for much longer.

I'm still trying the toothpicks, and it's still not the same. They're somewhat satisfying, but I fear I've swallowed a bushel of splinters by now.

That counts as dietary fiber, right?

I've continued making time to jog, but the lungs don't seem to be getting any better. I've been given to understand that it takes a few months. In any case, the jogging here is all uphill, and I'm accustomed to jogging on the flat. What kind of moron jogs uphill, anyway?


Besides, when I say “making time to jog,” I really mean it. These days I seem to have less time than ever, even though I still have the same amount of time. Funny how that happens.

Jogging doesn't happen quickly around these parts, either, and not just because jogging uphill is a slow and painful endeavor. It also involves lengthy chats with the neighbors, who don't seem to understand the concept of jogging, perhaps because they've never seen a jogger before. Some of them just wander on out of their houses when they see me puffing by, but others stop their cars in the middle of the road to talk to me. If I don't stop as well, they slow down to my pace. I'm like, what the f*ck are you doing? I know you haven't seen me around here before and you're just bursting with curiosity, but can't you just ask around? While we're on the subject, will you please keep your huge aggressive farm dog under control? Thanks, neighbor.

I am no longer picturing myself smoking in the future, although I still think about smoking from time to time, especially in the morning. I still feel quite a lot like slapping someone, but am beginning to understand that that's because the people in question deserve – nay, need! – a good slap now and again. I think this is why I started smoking in the first place.

I'm still using the patch, but I keep forgetting to scrub off the adhesive left by the old ones. So I have little black squares all over my back. Probably. I can't actually see my own back. I'm talented, but I'm not that talented.

Give me a few more weeks of yoga, and I will be.