Wednesday, January 11, 2012

10 Reasons You Should Marry a Hobbit

For those of you who don't know, my favorite book is The Hobbit. I've read it about two dozen times in English, and a further several times translated into French, because I figured I'd have it memorized and would learn some colloquial phrases. But I digress.

I love The Hobbit because the main character, Bilbo Baggins, rejects social custom and everything he's ever experienced or learned in order to follow his heart. He travels halfway across the world, meets lots of interesting new people, sees exotic new places, and discovers depths of courage and resourcefulness within himself that he never knew existed. It's like, the story of my life, y'all, except with dragons and dwarves instead of hippies and bums.

I wish there'd been some dwarves.

Anyway, the other day I was tweeting with @cmajaski and @bobbutterbottom about the possibility of a hot-shirtless-man-baking-cupcakes vlog. Naturally, the men in question would be tall, musclar, and efficiently waxed, otherwise it's just another cooking show.

Butterbottom said something like, “Are you sure you don't want small-boned, diminutive men with excessive knuckle-hair?” and I replied, “Sounds like you're describing hobbits,” and then everyone vomited in their mouths a little.

Well, except for me, but I've always gone after the short guys anyway.

Those stubby little legs make them easier to catch.

I think a hobbit would make an ideal life partner. Here's why:

1) He Could Introduce You to Some Dwarves

And then, if you help them kill the dragon, they'd give you some gold. Times are hard right now, and we could all use a little extra fstability. Besides, the price of gold is through the roof.

2) You Could Give Him a Drinks Tray Hat, Which Would Be Useful

But also grounds for divorce, so keep that in mind.

3) Hobbits Like Flowers

And women like flowers. You can see this would be a match made in heaven.

4) They're Great Cooks

And they always have plenty of food around, especially cakes. I find it hard to imagine a hobbit saying things like “Do you really think you should eat that?” It'd be more like, “Hey, save some of that for me.”

5) You'd Save a Lot of Money on Shoes

Hobbits don't need shoes, because their furry feet are self-insulating. You'd have a lot more room in the shoe budget, and you know what that means – more shoes for you, lady.

All the shoes your little heart desires.

6) They're Polite, but Adventurous

There you go, a nice guy who looks like Elijah Wood and isn't boring. Isn't that what you've been wishing for all these years?

7) He Could Build You a Really Cool Underground House

Granted, it would have really low ceilings, and tiny windows, but it wouldn't be dirty, wet, or smelly, nor sandy, bare, and dry, but comfortable. Hobbit homes are single-level, so you wouldn't have to worry about climbing up and down stairs, especially as you get older. You have to think about the future, you know.

Plus, you'd save on heating and air conditioning costs, as I understand these underground houses are well-insulated and maintain a pretty constant year-round temperature. And you know what that means...


8) You'd Have an Active Social Live

Hobbits are very fond of visitors and they never say no to a party.

9) Hobbits Love Clothes

Seriously, they have rooms and rooms devoted to nothing but their extensive wardrobes. You could read fashion magazines together, and you know he'd always look smart.

Albeit in a medieval peasant kind of way. ~ adplayers

10) You'd Get to Hang Out with Gandalf

What could possibly be cooler than that? Gandalf's like, totally cool. He's also self-important, manipulative and apparently lacking a steady wizarding job. I can see how Gandalf would get on some wifely nerves. He'd be that one asshole friend you can't stand, but have to be polite to anyway. Perhaps that's why Bilbo never married.

Or maybe he just couldn't give up the ring.