Tuesday, December 27, 2011

New Year's Resolutions I Can Keep

The New Year is almost upon us, and in a few days I'll get the opportunity to celebrate one of my favoritest holidays, New Year's Eve. New Year's has always appealed to me. It's a chance to start over afresh, which seems to gain importance with each passing year, as my peers blossom further into adulthood and I, frankly, do not. Not to mention, New Year's Eve seems to require the consumption of large amounts of booze, and I can always get behind that sort of thing.

Or in front of it, as the case may be. ~ P. L. Armstrong

And then, of course, there are the New Year's resolutions. According to statistics, fifty percent of American adults will make a New Year's resolution. I will be one of them. Forty percent of those people will fail before the month is out. I will be one of them.

Not only do I fail, I usually wind up making things worse. I wind up doing the exact opposite of what I'd intended to do and venture so far off track that it's easier to just stay there and start a new colony. 

I keep doing this year after year, despite my long track record of abject and consistent failure. Not once have I quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking or quit smoking.

I think it's time to change tacks.

The thing is, self-improvement is hard, especially when you're a paragon of perfection and humility, as am I. My flawless logic whispers sensible things like, “You don't have to start today, you've got the whole year, you know,” or “Why should you need a public holiday as an excuse to start bettering yourself? That's lame,” and before you know it, I'm done for.

So, this year, I'm going to consider some more realistic New Year's resolutions. There are, after all, only two possible outcomes: 1) my inevitable success will increase my self-confidence and improve my life and 2) my predictable failure will lead me to start collecting cats.

BIG F*CKING CATS. ~ Monica Betley

Here are some of the New Year's resolutions I'm considering:

I Will Wax My Mustache More Often

As much fun as it is to stroke thoughtfully, my mustache is not what you'd call culturally acceptable. The average man doesn't fancy a woman with a thicker mustache than his own, and I'm not planning a career in the circus anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, I've always tried to keep the facial hair under control. I rip the mustache, and some of the skin, off my upper lip regularly. I'm not a total monster.

The mustache, however, seems to have a mind of its own. It doesn't “grow back” so much as it “reappears.” One day, I'll be fine, and the next, whaddya know, I've got a freakin' mustache. I'm going to have to take more drastic measures.

I've explained this to the mustache with care and tact, and it seems to understand. We're hoping for the best.

I Will Get Plenty of Sleep

Adequate sleep is crucial to good health, and since I can't seem to quit smoking, I probably ought to hedge my bets. I can use this one as an excuse to take more naps. In fact, I think I'll go take one right now.

Two hours later...

I Will Refrain from Getting Any Fatter than I Already Am

Over the past year or so, I've gained about ten pounds. I was going to resolve to lose those ten pounds, but then I remembered about the failure thing and realized I'd probably just get fatter. Besides, some of that fat has traveled to my bustline, where it is perfectly welcome to stay as long as it likes.

No, I'm not going to show you my tits. Perv.

I managed not to gain any weight over Christmas, so I'm already on the right track.

I Will Smoke More

Tee hee hee.

I Will Go to the Dentist

I'm sure I've already mentioned that I hate the freaking dentist. Power tools in the mouth, masked man, etc. Well, I've made an appointment for 3 January. They're going to tell me that all my teeth are rotting out of my head and that I'm suffering from a systemic tooth infection that's reached my brain and that I'm actually in a coma and my entire adult life has been a dream. I'm bracing myself for this.

It would explain a lot.