Recently, I was told that I'm a “feminist” blogger. This was news to me. I didn't set
out to be a “feminist” blogger, and I don't see myself as one.
The mantle has been thrust upon me. Maybe because I don't blog about
cooking (don't cook), or my kids (don't have any), or beauty tips
(don't need any), or whatever else it is women are “supposed” to
blog about. Household hints, or crafts, or gardening – whatever
this mysterious topic, I'm beginning to suspect it's only supposed to
be interesting to other women, and then only on the most
non-threatening level.
It's true I've said some
things that have made some men uncomfortable. Not all the men,
of course, just the ones who suspect I might be talking about them.
I blog about all kinds of sh*t, and only about half a dozen of the
fifty-some posts I've done so far have anything to do with men or
their behavior, but you know how it is, ladies – dare to suggest
that a testicled individual may be anything less than utterly
perfect, and you'll be heaped with scorn, branded a foul-tempered
unf*ckable dried up old hag, and sent off into solitary exile in a
cabin in the Yukon. Figuratively speaking.
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| And if you think that's bad, try telling one not to interrupt you. |
But, I digress. I was going
to say that, no matter what I set out to be or how I see myself, I
am, nevertheless, apparently a “feminist” blogger. If you're
going to have a mantle thrust upon you, you may as well wear it
gracefully.
So, in the interests of
feminism in blogging, I'm going to share with you ladies (and fellas,
what the hell) the qualities and skills, that, in my opinion, help to
make women more independent. Here goes:
Earn Your Own Money
This one probably goes
without saying. You can't be independent if you don't have any money,
unless, of course, you live in some sort of tribal society where the
barter system is used. If so, good luck being an independent woman,
because you're probably a commodity yourself.
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| Unless you're an Amazon, in which case, you should be writing this for me. |
Fix Your Own Car
Okay, I'm not saying you
should be able to take the whole car apart and put it back together
again. This is a complicated procedure requiring various and sundry
tools, and I'm a reasonable person. But you should know a little bit
more about the car than where the gas goes.
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| The gas goes here. ~ Mariordo Mario Roberto Duran Ortiz |
Learn how to check your
engine oil and tire pressure. Don't let a man see you do these
things, however, because he will laugh and make some snarky remark
along the lines of “I've never seen a woman check her tire pressure
before,” and then you'll have to say, “I've never seen a pig who
could speak before.”
It's also good to know how
to change a flat tire, since these things tend to occur at awkward
moments, like when you're driving on a creepy mountain road in the
middle of the night in an area with no cell phone service. Life's a
b*tch like that.
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| Alternatively, avoid mountain roads like the plague. ~ James Tanch, Jr. |
I also know how to flush a
radiator and change its pipes, change the engine oil and filter, swap
out brake pads, change spark plugs, and bypass the starter solenoid
on a 1977 Dodge Sportsman RV.
I learned all of these
things the hard way, by taking several cross-continental road trips
in a series of broken-down, rusted-out sh*tboxes.
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| Pictured: The Hard Knocks School of Auto Mechanics. ~ Jeremy Holmes |
Learn to Throw a Punch
Or karate, or
something. It's almost inevitable you'll be attacked at some point.
Punching is especially good
for b*tch-fights. The other b*tches will be slapping, so you'll have
the advantage.
Do Your Own Home Repairs
Most home repairs are fairly
simple. Hanging a shelf or plastering a hole in the wall is not
rocket surgery. If you're an adult, you should be able to assemble
that bookcase from IKEA without blowing anything up. I've had
boyfriends who didn't know how to reset a tripped circuit breaker (or change a
flat tire, for that matter), so it's just as well you figure out these simple home-repair matters for yourself. Your life will be easier, and it'll save you calling the
electrician over a burnt-out light bulb, like a roommate of mine once
totally did.
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| I wish I'd been home to see that. |
Open Your Own Jars
Of all the obstacles in my
life as an independent woman, it's the godd*mn f*cking jars that get
me every time.
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| F*cking jars. |
Honestly, I don't what it
is. Maybe my hands are too small (unlikely), or my grip is too weak
(very likely), or my upper-body strength is lacking (possible).
Whatever it is, for some freaking reason, I always freaking struggle
to open the f*cking jars.
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| Maybe women just aren't meant to open jars. |
There are tricks to it. You
can tap the side of the lid with a spoon, which loosens it up, I
guess. If that doesn't work, you can run cold water over the lid.
That makes the glass contract, or something. If that doesn't work,
you can scare it open by cussing loudly and threatening to smash it.
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| Smashing the jar is cheating, but the jar doesn't know that. |
