Wednesday, November 2, 2011

9 Reasons I Hate Being Smart

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I'm smart. Like, really smart. Statistically speaking, I'm smarter than you. But I'm not here to brag – I'm here to complain.

Ignorance is bliss, they say. Stupidity isn't the same thing as ignorance, but the stupid people of world seem pretty f*ckin' happy, all the same.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank, right? Stupid people might be happier, but they're also stupid. On the other hand, they're also happier. Here are some of the reasons why being smart makes me miserable:

1) I Have Problems Making Friends and Maintaining Relationships

It's difficult to forge a deep connection with someone when, the whole time you're listening to them, you're thinking to yourself, “Damn, what an idiot.” This happens to me a lot.

Other people don't find it easy to connect with me, either. If they're not struggling to understand me in the first place, it's probably because I'm going on about how smart I am, as if to rub it in their faces.

2) Men Don't Like Me

Well, they do, just not for very long.

Of course, I'm arguably famous for scraping the bottom of the man-barrel. Nevertheless, it seems not many men appreciate a woman who is clearly smarter than them. As far as I can tell, the ones who do are all about 50, which puts them just a tad out of my age bracket.

That said, I would totally do Henry Rollins.

Most of the guys I go out with, or even just observe in the wild, seem to like playing the role of the smarter, more competent one. As far as I can tell, I'm supposed to play along by acting all giggly and impressed. Needless to say, that is not the way we do things chez McAtee.

And by "we," I mean "I."

I know men have fragile egos that need to be stroked, but you can't pretend you're something you're not. The facade falls apart rather quickly, in fact.

3) Most People Irritate Me, Anyway

Seriously, they do. I can't tell you how many times I've sat around at some party listening to two or more ladies of my acquaintance go on about something completely idiotic, like which breast implants they're gonna get. The teardrop ones are the best, apparently, because “I totally knew this girl who got them and they looked soooooo natural.”

Please, somebody shoot me.

4) Simple Things Elude Me

Yes, they do. That might not sound very smart to you, but that's because you don't understand the nature of genius.

When you have a complex mind, you tend to see things in a complex manner. This is fine most of the time, cause a lot of what goes on in the world is fairly complicated. Some things aren't, though. What I'm trying to say is, I go around pushing on “pull” doors.

Like this one. ~ Alcook101

5) I Keep Walking Into Things, Because the Deep Thoughts Take Up All My Attention

I have the forehead scars to prove it.

6) Hard Work is Harder

Oh hell yes it is. See, I've been smart all my life. I didn't fall into a vat of radioactive waste when I was 25, or anything like that.

I coasted through school pretty easily. Aside from a couple of years in high school when I was all, “F*ck this noise, I'm going for a smoke,” I always got good grades, and I never really had to study. I double-majored in college, and graduated summa cum laude with Departmental Honors. I never pulled an all-nighter and every paper I handed in was a first draft.

To be fair, I'm pretty good at first drafts. ~ mpclemens

Before you get all proud of me or jealous or whatever, keep in mind that through all those crucial years of growing up, I never had to work hard at anything. I just appeared and kept my eyes open, and I succeeded. Sometimes I didn't even do that, and I still succeeded. Everything came too easily.

No matter how smart you are, there comes in a point in life where you have to put in effort to thrive. When everything comes easily until you're 22, you never learn how to do hard work. It's a hell of a thing to have to master as an adult.

7) My Memory is Too Good

They say that memory is the biggest part of intelligence, and I guess they might have a point. You do better in school if you can remember what your teacher said. You do better at life if you can remember exactly how you f*cked up before, or even better, exactly how that one dude you heard about f*cked up before.

The trouble with having a good memory is that, well, you tend to remember things. The brain lends more weight to bad memories, since the caveman who remembered the bear attack avoided its lair and went on to have kids of his own. If you remember too many bad things, though, you tend to get depressed a bit too easily.

Not to mention, I creep people out. I've been trying not to do this, but occasionally I find myself drunkenly telling some acquaintance his own life story. Not until I see the look of horror spread over his face do I realize that he doesn't remember telling me this stuff the last time we were drunk together, and now he thinks I'm a stalker.

I have trust issues, partly because I remember just about every single thing everyone I know has ever said and done in my presence. On the one hand, that makes it easy to figure out who I can trust. On the other hand, it also makes it easy to see just how few people are worth trusting.

8) So, I Worry Too Much

Partly because I have too many memories of things going horribly wrong, and partly because I know how few people are worth trusting. But also, partly I'm aware of how many things could go wrong. My overactive brain is constantly working out new scenarios and presenting them to me at three in the freaking morning.

Shut the f*ck up already you stupid piece of sh*t brain.

9) ...And Then I Drink Too Much

Cause at least when I'm drunk, I'm not worried about all the things that could go wrong, like liver disease or falling and breaking my teeth out, two of the common consequences of drinking.

I swear to God, Brain, I will kill you with booze if it's the last thing I do.

Or maybe I'm just trying to dumb myself down enough for that boob job conversation up there. Hard to know, really.