Tuesday, October 18, 2011

10 Things that Have Nothing to Do With Anything, Really

Some of you have been complaining that I don't blog enough. You're right, of course, and I have no problem admitting that because I have a keen grasp of my own flaws (seriously). The trouble is, it's not that easy being awesome. It actually requires a lot of work.

So, here's a list of random sh*t until I think of something better:

1) Every time I wash a cucumber, I feel dirty.

2) Sometimes, I just open up my mouth, and the stupidest sh*t falls out. I don't even know where it comes from , but it's awful. Absolutely awful. A couple of months ago, for instance, I was talking to this pregnant lady of my acquaintance, who was about to give birth. She was telling me how she needed to get a C-section because the baby was “transverse.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Oh, it means he's side to side instead of up and down.” She gestured to show me.

I opened up my mouth, and this stupid sh*t fell out: “Oh, is that why you look so wide?”

F&ck f&ck f&ckity f&ck f&ck f&ck.

And balls. ~ cdedbdme

3) For some time after I began co-habitating with my ex, Toad Blowhard, every pair of his socks immediately disappeared. He'd put them on his feet, and they'd never be seen again.

When I asked him about it, he shrugged and said, “I don't know, I put them in the laundry.”

“Well then how come they're never in there?” I'd ask.

He'd peer into the basket and say, “I see plenty of socks in there.”

“Those are my socks.”

“How do you know?”

“Because they don't f&cking stink.”

“It's not my fault if you lose my socks,” he'd reply. “Go buy some more.”

Six months and about 20 bags of new socks later, I happened to open up the small, ratty cupboard we kept on our front porch. Guess what it was full of?


Because I seem to have a thing for guys with stinky feet (or possibly because all guys just have stinky feet for some reason – I haven't quite figured this one out yet) the six months' worth of socks in that cupboard had sort of bonded together into one big, stiff ball of rancid cotton.

When I confronted him about it, he said, “Those aren't my socks.”

“Oh yeah? Where did they come from then? Cause we're missing a hell of a lot of socks.”

“The homeless man leaves them there.”

“What homeless man?”

“The one who sleeps on the porch every night.”

“Bullsh*t, there is no homeless man on the porch at night.”

“Yes, there is! You just don't see him because you're asleep.”

“Bullsh*t, I'm an insomniac. I would've noticed a homeless man sleeping on my porch every night for six months. Besides, a homeless man would get better use out of his socks.”

“Stop using those long words, you make me feel stupid.”

“That's because you are.”

I should've dumped him right then and there.

4) Toad Blowhard also sincerely believed that the Dark Ages pre-dated the Roman Empire.

I really know how to pick 'em.

5) I once dated a guy who carried a knife, spoon and fork with him at all times, in case he needed cutlery.

You never know when you might need cutlery. ~ Seng Jueh

6) That awkward moment when you're walking down the street by yourself, kinda late at night, on a particularly creepy road. You see a guy coming towards you, and you're not sure, but he seems to be muttering to himself. You think maybe you ought to cross the street, but you don't want to look like a paranoid freak, so you decide to be brave and walk past him. And then it turns out he was talking on a headset.

7) A couple of months ago, I was jogging after dusk, and I came upon a toad in the path. I knew that he might get stepped on, or run over by a bike, or squished in some other horrible manner. I think amphibians are cute, so I picked him up gently and moved him to the other side of the trail. Only later did I think, “Sh*t, what if he was going the other way?” To this day, I wonder if I inadvertently f*cked up that poor toad's whole life.

Poor toad...

8) I wonder how much of the U.S. unemployment rate can be blamed on Rapture-heads quitting their jobs back in May to go out and scream “The End is Near!” at random people on the streets. Seriously, people were dropping out of school, leaving work, abandoning their families and spending every cent they had to pass out flyers about this crap. I guess it's nice to know they care?

It'd be nicer to know they'd stopped breeding

9) Internet Rule #407: When confronted by a random a**shole on Twitter for no apparent reason, make sure you complain about it only on Facebook.

10) Internet Rule #406: Make sure that random a**hole isn't on your Facebook.

What we really need is a "right hook to the jaw" app.