Thursday, September 22, 2011

So Many Awards I Don't Know Where to Put Them All

So, as you may have gathered, I've been given another blogging award. I've actually been given two. Friday before last (the day I blogged about birthdays and booze), Christina Majaski at Solitary Mama gave me the Leibster Award, because she loves me. Thanks, Christina. I love you too. * sniff *

Look how shiny!

Even longer ago, on 27 June, Lyn Midnight at Lyn Midnight Against the Odds gave me the Versatile Blogger award, which some of you may have noticed lurking around on the sidebar under my author profile. I have presumably been given this award for versatility in blogging. I guess that's right on, since I've managed to blog about a sh*tload of different topics ranging from good old-fashioned sexism to liquid chicken to hairless cats.

I'm particularly proud of the hairless cats. ~ JLPlusAL

I've been sitting on that one for a while, and Lyn probably thought I was never going to blog about it at all. See, Lyn, I'm full of surprises.

I seriously do not know where to put all these awards. I tried re-arranging the layout of the blog, but that made everything go crazy, so I put it back, and breathed a sigh of relief. I suppose I'll just have to keep sticking them down below my profile and hope for the best.

The trouble with these blog awards is that, according to the rules of engagement, I'm supposed to pass them along to a certain number of other bloggers. This is a problem for me because I don't read that many blogs, and I feel a bit idiotic handing them out to the same people every time. Not that I hear them complaining.

Giving someone a blog award feels like A BIG DECISION. Who am I to go around giving awards? What if the person doesn't want my award? What am I to do then?

I guess I could put that f*ck with all the other ones I don't give.

Besides which, in case you haven't noticed, I kind of have a problem following rules. My high school principal, my mother and at least one former landlady would agree that I have issues with authority.

Present company excluded, of course. ~ elvertbarnes

Ok, the rules for the Leibster Award say that I have to pass it along to at least five other bloggers. The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award say that I have to pass it along to at least fifteen other bloggers (I think), although most people seem to be coming in at between five and eight. I'm not the only one who has a problem following rules.

Both awards require the recipients to thank and link back to the bloggers who bestowed the honor. Check and check.

The Versatile Blogger Award came with a list of questions I was supposed to answer, such as “If you were stranded on a desert island with a monkey, how would you attract the attention of a passing ship,” but I'm not sure I understand what the monkey has to do with it.

Unless it's Cheetah the Chimp, but he's an ape, not a monkey. ~ Thomas Lersch

So I'm going to break the rules (gasp!) and change the questions! Well, at least some of the questions. They will surely be interesting as all get-out.

But first, I'm going to go ahead and announce the winners. Since I have two awards to give out, I'm just going to put both on here, and you can go ahead and take whichever one you want. Or both, for all I care. I'm not here to tell you what to do.

And the winners are (envelope puh-lease):

Katie McNemar (@MissKatieMae) at The Dailies. Katie and I have known each other since we were both about knee-high, which is totally NOT the reason I keep giving her awards, honestly, I swear. She runs a sweet little blog over there, especially for those Christians in the group who have stuck around in spite of my wise-cracking about that whole Rapture thing.

Paulie Elliot (@thisispaulie) at This is Paulie. Ok, Paulie doesn't technically exist, but his blog does, and it's awesome. Besides, if I know my Paulie, he loves awards almost as much as he loves politics (and by “politics,” I mean sex). At any rate, I didn't see anything in the rules about existence being a requirement for receiving either of these awards. So, there.

Sarah E. Melville (@sarahemelville) at I Hate Everything. Although I have to say, Sarah, you could pump a whole lot more hatefulness into that blog.

Lyn Midnight (@lynmidnight) at Lyn Midnight Against the Odds. Lyn's given me two awards so far, so now it's time to give something back. Also, she has an awesome blog and is just generally a very nice lady.

Don Stemple (@WV_Paladin) at 21st Century Skeptic, because he is almost as smart as me. You need to blog more often, Don. I know you're a busy man, but don't shirk your responsibilities.

Eden Baylee (@edenbaylee) at Eden Baylee. Eden is ten kinds of cool and probably has all the blog awards she could possibly want by now, but I'm giving her one anyway, because I can and she deserves it. It's the least I can do after she's tweeted the hell out of all my posts, grossed me out with pictures of her fingernails, and made some very pertinent hat recommendations. Don't forget to check out her steamy book, Fall Into Winter (and by "steamy," I mean "sexy").

That's five, right? No, it's six. I'm not great at this counting thing. Good thing I'm not a banker.

If you're following along at home, don't be afraid to check these blogs out. Follow, subscribe by email, leave comments, and share links on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, StumbleUpon and wherever else you may be sharing your links. Bloggers love this sort of thing, you guys. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like swallowing a kitten.

Now, on to the questions:

Q: If you were a vampire, which celebrity would you bite first?

A: I would not bite any of them. I don't give a f*ck about celebrities, as I've established in a previous post. Nor can I think of a single one that I'd like to have hanging around for literally the rest of time. Furthermore, if I've learned anything from the vampire films I have watched and the vampire books I have read, I, as the creator vampire, would probably be personally stuck with this particular celebrity until I personally rammed a stake through his or her heart, chopped off his or her head, stuffed his or her mouth with garlic, left him or her out in the sun, and then chucked his or her ashes into the nearest body of swiftly flowing water. Your celebrity un-life will be ending sometime next week.

Q: What's your middle name? Not your real middle name, your MIDDLE middle name?

A: I'm not sure I understand this one either, but I've already blogged extensively about my weird-ass name, so those of you following along at home already know that my MIDDLE middle name is Prunella.

Q: If you had to go to a desert island, and you could only take one thing with you, what would that object be?

A: A flying carpet.

Q: What is your worst fear?

A: Fish. Seriously. Fun trick: Throw me in the water and see how fast I move if one touches me. Put in some earplugs first.

Q: Describe your best friend in five words.

A: She's a real live wire. (That's a good thing, if you ask me. I'm so nuts you could plant me and I'd grow into a really nice tree. I'm also not as judgmental as you might think, in real life. I save that up for you guys. Aren't you lucky).

Q: What's your current favorite song? What about the annoying one stuck in your head?

A: Don't ask me to pick a favorite song. I could never choose. The other songs might get their feelings hurt. Besides, you'd know more about my musical tastes than I care to reveal at this juncture.

I don't have an earworm at the moment, and thank f*ck for that. Those things make me want to rip my own brain out through my nose with a clothes hanger.

Q: What was the last movie you watched? Did you like it?

A: Megamind. Yes, I liked it.