Monday, September 26, 2011

5 More Things that Freak Me Out

I recently blogged about hairless cats, which are among the things that freak me out. I'd rather caress a bearded water dragon than one of those things, and bearded water dragons are not what you'd call “cuddly.”

Definitely not.

You might be surprised to learn that hairless cats are not the only things that freak me out. Additional entries on this rather long list include:

1) Spiders

I wouldn't say I was terrified of spiders. Once upon a time I was, but now I've reached an accord with the spiders. I saw this was necessary in 2002, when I moved into an apartment infested with big, furry brown ones. They reared up threateningly when I approached, waving their hairy little forelegs and looking at me through their thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of eyes.

So I killed them all. I launched a full-on genocide. With bug spray, newspapers, my boot, you name it. I sucked a particularly big one up in the vacuum cleaner, then spent the rest of the day convinced that it was alive in there, somehow, and that it was going to crawl out and get me, in the night.

Or send its cousins to avenge it ~ samcatchesides

With the spiders gone, flies took over the apartment. Flies, as it turns out, are much harder to kill, and infinitely more annoying.

So...I accept spiders. As long as they stay over there, and mind their own business, and don't build their webs across my bedroom door like that one did.

It learned its lesson...the hard way. 

2) Going to the Bank

I shouldn't be afraid to go to the bank. I know I'm just going to wait in line, like I've done a thousand times before, until it's my turn, at which point I'm going to conduct my business, and depart, like I've done a thousand times before. The teller doesn't leap across the desk and rip the throat out of every 100th customer. I'm not in any danger. There's nothing particularly scary about the bank, except I guess for the threat of bank robbers, which you can't stop thinking about because all the tellers these days stand behind bulletproof glass.

3) Any Teeny, Tiny, Trivial Health Complaint

I'll admit it – I'm a total hypochondriac. Got a cough? Cancer! Stomachache? Cancer! Mysterious bruise? DOUBLE CANCER!

I try not to bring these things up in everyday conversation. Some people seem to think I'm actually making a really bad joke, and get all pissy, because “there are people who actually have cancer, you know.”

Yeah, I do know, and I'm actually kind of worried that I'm one of them.

Others get all, “You shouldn't say that, it might happen!”

Logically, I know that saying a thing doesn't make it happen. If it did, then monkeys would fly out of my ass right now.

Nope, no monkeys.

But hearing you say it doesn't help.

My friends know that I'm just looking for reassurance. I understand they're not doctors, but I learned a long time ago that doctors will roll their eyes if you keep asking them about every little thing. That doesn't mean my friends won't get annoyed if I go on about it constantly. They will, and I know it. I'm crazy, not stupid.

Everyone knows that I'm nuts, but there's no need to make it any worse. When some a**hole who doesn't even know me asks my friend why she'd ever want to hang out with a nutter like me, it's probably best if she doesn't stop and say to herself, “Actually, I don't know, she's always going on about having cancer.”

4) Going to the Dentist

Lots of people are afraid of the dentist. There's the pain, the needles, the freaking power tools in my mouth, the masked man sticking his fingers down my throat. As if all that weren't bad enough, I'm terrified the dentist will lecture me about not using mouthwash or some stupid sh*t like that, and then I'll feel bad about myself for a couple of hours. That's lame, isn't it? Of all the scary things about dentistry, the least of them should be slight and temporary damage to my self-esteem. Especially since I'll probably die of double-tooth-cancer while I'm still in the waiting room.

5) Dishwasher-Safe Dildos

Because why? Just, why?!? Knowing that there are people out there who put dildos in the dishwasher just makes me freaking shudder. In there with your dishes, that you're going to eat from. Eeeeeewwwwwww.

Yeah, yeah, I know the water in the dishwasher is mega-hot and there's no way in hell any germs or creepy crawlies are gonna come through that alive. It's just the idea of the thing. It's disgusting. Can't you wash them by hand? It's just like washing a cucumber.

On the other hand, I guess if it's easier to run a whole load... ~  Towsunu2003