Don't Call Me Marge: 4 More Stupid Things Men Do

It's been a while since I've done any man-bashing on here, but you people seem to like that, so here goes – 4 More Stupid Things Men Do:

1) Assuming All Women Want Kids

Some of us wanted kids from first day we crammed our dollies into their plastic prams and pranced them around the neighborhood. Some of us spend our lives never bothered about it, only to change our minds at 35 for mysterious womb-related reasons.

I understand there's a clock in here somewhere.

Some of us believe we want kids – until we get a good close look at our friend's brats and see how frazzled she's become, and swear off the concept completely. Some of us would rather travel, or have a career, or get drunk and sleep late. Some of us prefer cats...or dogs, I'm not here to judge.

LOL Yes I am.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I can hear it now – “My girlfriend/wife/tormentress said she didn't want kids, and now we have six!” She lied, dumbass. Some guys will say whatever it takes to get a girl into bed, and some girls will say whatever it takes to get a ring. Some of them don't even care whose ring it is. Watch your friggin' selves.

2) Pointing It Out When We Gain Two Pounds

This is kind of like asking a woman's age, or even worse, taking a stab and tacking on a few years by mistake. We realize that men are sort of hard-wired to want as many women as they can get, and there's always a prettier, younger one out there. Don't rub it in.

If she's gotten absolutely whopping – and you are, by some miracle, able to broach this subject tactfully – fair play. Even then, if it's not your actual partner, better keep your mouth shut. Commenting on the weight of a friend, acquaintance, or God help you, a stranger will likely get you slapped. And you will deserve it.

It's not like you aren't a fat bastard yourself, you fat bastard ~ Rosino

3) B*tching About Having to Buy Us Stuff

I don't mean joking around about your wife taking all your money or whatever other sh*t you think is funny. If you didn't wanna share with your wife, you wouldn't have gotten married. Besides, your wife probably makes more than you.

No, I'm talking this a**hole sh*t here:

“Women always expect you to buy them drinks, and then they won't sleep with you.”

“Women always expect you to buy them dinner, and then they won't sleep with you.”

“Women always expect you to buy them flowers, and then they won't sleep with you.”

"I pushed the right buttons -- why won't sex come out?!?" ~ Bidgee

Can you notice a common theme here? If you're looking for a prostitute, get one. If you're getting her for the price of a drink, you'd better wear two condoms.

This is a foot, but you get the idea.

Yeah, we do expect you to buy us stuff, and peahens expect peacocks to flash feathers. If you can't pay for a few dates, then you'll probably bicker over every goddamn purchase until you drive us stark raving mad. Even worse, you might be a deadbeat. Nobody likes a deadbeat.

4) Bragging About Having F&cked Us

What ever happened to “A gentleman never tells”? Oh, right, you're not a gentleman.

Too many guys act like they've put one over on a woman by sleeping with her. Trust me, buddy, you don't have Jedi mind powers. They call it “getting lucky” for a reason.

Women can be keen on keeping their private lives private, because of that whole “men are studs/women are sluts” double-standard thing we've got to live with. It's a little bit harder to navigate from the other side. We don't need all your buddies playing grab-ass because they suddenly think we're fair game.

Then again, we could always tell all of our friends you've got a tiny d*ck. Then you'll never get laid again.