Thursday, July 21, 2011

4 Signs You've Been Online Too Long

A Mother Life

I started writing for the Web a good couple of years ago, and I've spent most (ok, all) of my working hours online since then. When I go home I putter around online some more, because I don't own a television.

I've become a pale, hunch-back shadow of my former self, giggling alone in a dimly-lit room, pretending I'm surrounded by “friends.” Soon I'll be completely blind and allergic to sunlight. I'll never go outside again.

Don't let this happen to you. If you start to develop these symptoms of Internet overdose, go the f*ck outside for a while, and talk to someone, you know, the old-fashioned way, with your mouth.

4) You Reference Memes in Conversation

And no one knows what the hell you're talking about, cause they're normal people who take sunlight and own televisions. Another sure sign is if you're really excited about something that's happened online, like the Cookssource debacle, and you're trying to talk about it to folks who go online for about an hour once a week. Their expressions will be of mixed fear and wonderment. They will have no f*cking clue what the f*ck is going on.

They will look at you like this. -- Nonsequiturlass

3) You're Using Netspeak in Conversation

This is when someone says something funny, and instead of laughing, you actually just say, “LOL.” Or instead of saying “What the f*ck?” the old-fashioned way, you pronounce the letters W-T-F. These abbreviations cut down on keystrokes and prevent carpal tunnel syndrome. They also make typing easier for the sunlight-taking, TV-watching masses who still type with two fingers. I don't think it's really any easier to say them aloud with your actual mouth.

Just say the f&cking words, geek.

2) Your Friends Stop Googling Things, and Just Start Asking You Instead

Let's be honest, you're lucky to have any friends at this point.

1) You Go Online Even in Your Dreams

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed I bought a lovely little house in the country, planted a flower garden, and lived happily ever after. My flowers attracted lots of beautiful birds, and I enjoyed watching them flit among the branches on warm summer evenings. Because my idea of "settling down" is caring for plants, apparently.

I'd like you to meet my children. -- toolmonkytaco

But before I planted my garden, I totally dream-Googled “flowers birds like” to figure out what to plant. A couple of days later I dreamed I signed onto Twitter and felt overwhelmed by the number of messages and mentions I had to answer. Except I'm still not sure if this was actually a dream, or just another day.

I need to go outside for awhile. I hope it's not already too late.

I think it is.