Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Cosmetic Procedures that Horrify Me

I've always been against plastic surgery, on the grounds that it totally scares the crap out of me. You could wind up horribly deformed, right? Or one of those 80-year-old ladies with 20-year-old breasts. Jeepers.

Some of them horrify me more than others. Implants of any kind, for example, make me wanna hide in the closet with the doors locked and the lights off. You can get implants literally anywhere on your body, you know. You can strengthen your jawline, give yourself a butt-chin, smooth out that Bassethound forehead, get those rippling abs you always wanted, and plump up your butt all by having a surgeon cram in some bits of scultped silicone. They have to a hollow out a pocket in your flesh to make room for it. The wound heals up around it and holds it in place, unless it doesn't, in which case congratulations, you're deformed.

Or, as they like to call it, "asymmetrical." 

Breast implants have to be replaced every few years, because they become more fragile as they deteriorate and can rupture without you even knowing it. The serious complications of a ruptured breast implant include death. I'm not kidding. If they don't rupture, they can still leak toxic molecules into your body and make you all kinds of sick. You can lose feeling in your breasts or nipples. You can even lose strength in your shoulders, if the implants are embedded beneath the muscle. Sometimes they harden, so you wind up with a pair of granny smiths on your chest. What's the point of that?

Pie? -- Dan Parsons

People are having their feet chopped off, now. You can have sections of bone removed from your toes to shorten them. You can have your friggin' toes snapped and lengthened with pins. If your pinky toe hangs over the edge of your high-heeled shoe, f*ck it, chop the little bastard off. What's the worst that can happen?

Oh, right. -- greyloch

But the one that really makes me shudder, for some reason, is the threadlift. This is the “lunchtime” facelift that supposedly only takes an hour to get. What they do is, they make a series of small incisions around the edge of your cheeks, and then they insert barbed wire under your skin. It's smooth when they put it in, but once they've got it in there, they make the barbs pop out somehow.

When the barbs are anchored securely in your flesh, the doctor yanks the wire around until your skin's in the “right” position.

They do this under local anesthetic, so you can sit there and watch them adjust your face, until they've got it how you like it. When it starts to sag again five years later, you go back in and have it yanked up some more.

And for the rest of your life, you'll have a piece of barbed wire in your face. If someone punches you, you'll be f*cked.