Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bigfoot Theories Explained

So, a park ranger in Colorado has come out and said he thinks Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) are traveling here through intergalactic portals. Wormholes, if you will. He reckons this explains why we don't have any evidence of them, aside from alleged hair, footprints and blurry photos. Clearly, they do all their eating, shitting and dying in the other galaxy.

He's not the only one who thinks Bigfoot comes from a parallel dimension, another universe, an alternate reality, or something like that. Writer Melanie L. Marten has this to say about such theories: “Why they come to this reality and journey through remote forests is not usually explained.” (Ha ha ha, nice one, Melanie).

Well, it looks like they come here to shed and walk around. According to disreputable users on dodgy Internet forums, they have been known to make nests.

"Yeah, but it's a great place to raise kids."

Some people think Bigfoot is a giant ape, specifically, an ape called Gigantopithecus that is supposed to be extinct. Extinct animals ought to just stay extinct. They have no business popping back up like this.

Other people think it's a shy, elusive, rare and gentle creature capable of using tools and disappearing into thin air whenever it wants. Some think it's a distant ancestor of Homo sapiens, still hanging around for some reason.

"Dude, it's been, like, 3 million years. Stop calling already." -- IKescs

Some guy has recently come out with his groundbreaking theory that the yeti is a type of bear. A rare, nocturnal species of bipedal bear that likes high altitudes and hates cameras. Now, I know that's the yeti, not the sasquatch, but they're technically the same thing, even if they're not. To be fair, bears can walk upright, fairly quickly, and for a good distance. So I might give this bear guy some credit. 

It's either that, or a guy in an ape suit, or a paranormal shapeshifter with superpowers of some kind. Case closed.