Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture tomorrow, don't forget your helmets

Ok, so, yeah. Some of you know that I recently blogged about the 2012 predictions, and how completely unfounded they are. But, you know, some fundamentalist Christians have pointed out that Judgment Day is actually slated for May 21, 2011, otherwise known as “tomorrow.” Apparently, tomorrow is the 7,000th anniversary of The Day Noah Filled the Ark (aka The Day the Unicorns Died). I'm not sure how they figured that out. They must have used the Holy Abacus or something.

"Oh Holy Abacus, guide us in the way of the True Calculations." -- Thomas Claveirole

It's also Zombie Awareness Month this month, which might be pretty fitting, since Jesus Christ is supposed to raise the dead for the final Judgment, right? Only, it's already tomorrow in Australia, so He must be headed there right now. I hope He makes a show of it, with trumpets and angels and splitting-of-Heavens and stuff. If He just pops up on a street corner all quiet like, people are going to take Him for one of those white-robe guru types like you see in California.

This guy could be Christ, for all we know. -- Richard Moncada

It's not the end of the world, of course, it's just the beginning of Armageddon. Those of us who aren't raptured (that is, pretty much everyone) will live through the Apocalypse, which apparently involves a lot of famine, floods, plagues, seas of blood, birds falling from the sky, and scourges of locusts.

Locusts? Really? What is this, 65 BC? -- FredB

This will continue until the End of All Things, scheduled for October 21. Because, for some reason, an Armageddon takes exactly five months. I'm not sure how they figured that out...

...must have been the Holy Abacus again.