Thursday, March 31, 2011

9 Reasons You Didn't Get a Third Date (To the Last Guy Who Didn't Get a Third Date)

1) By Date Two, There Were Already Communication Problems

On the first date, you showed up casually dressed in a T-shirt, jeans, and a hat. You wore a little cameo of the Buddha around your neck, because you're a Buddhist. Fair play.

On the second date, you showed up dressed to the nines in a tweed jacket with elbow patches (wait a minute, who wears those?), slacks, and a button-down shirt. At least you didn't wear a tie.

I, on the other hand, felt out of place, having stayed with the casual tone of the first date. You could have advised me of the change in the dress code.

2) You're a Fidgety Little Rascal, Aren't You?

When you took my hand on the walk to the restaurant, you didn't just sedately hold it like an ordinary person. You rubbed my palm incessantly with the tip of your thumb. When I removed my hand from yours, you put your arm around my shoulders and proceeded to rub my upper left arm rhythmically. Stop it. Just, stop.

3) You Treated Me Like I Was Stupid

I may not be the best cook, but I know that cheese fondue is supposed to have a little fire under it, and that that fire is supposed to keep the cheese all warm and drippy. And I can surmise that, when the fire goes out, the cheese goes all cold and lumpy. I have two eyes, and they work. Don't wave me off and try to tell me everything's fine when I can see for myself the fondue fire is out.

4) For that Matter, You Took Me Out for Cheese Fondue

Cheese fondue is not a date food, unless that date is an obligatory one with a partner you've grown to despise, and you're looking for any excuse to avoid sex later.

Because it makes you feel as if your stomach's dropped into your pelvis, that's why. -- jay.tong

5) You Don't Drink, But I Do

Not that there's anything wrong with not drinking. To be fair, you'll probably live a longer, healthier life. But I don't believe your repeated assurances that you don't care if I drink. That might be easy to say now, but it won't be so easy when I call you up after midnight to come and pull me out of the shrubbery I've fallen into, and now can't escape from.

6) You Said, “I Feel as if Destiny Brought Us Together.”

Dude. You haven't even told me your last name, and already you're talking about destiny? Don't be a creep.

7) Your Joke About This Being the Last Time You Pay for Dinner Wasn't Really that Funny

Alright, it was funny the first time. Kinda. I laughed out of politeness, really. When you dragged it out for ten minutes and then tried to get the waiter involved, it lost its charm. Somehow.

8) You Asked to Come Home With Me

“I don't want to have sex with you,” you said. “I just want to hold you in my arms all night.”

Really? Really? What are we, sixteen? It might be time to hammer out a new line, buddy. Just sayin'.

9) I Can't Find Even One Reason to Go Out With You Again, Really

But, as you can see, I can find lots of reasons not to.