Thursday, March 24, 2011

5 Excuses for Sleeping Late

1) The goldang cat crawls up onto my pillow in the night and curls up either next to, or directly on top of, my face. I'd like to think he really, really loves me, but I know the truth. My face is just another warm spot, especially when he gets right in front of my mouth so I can breathe on him. But, I swear, he only does it when he can tell I'm just about to fall asleep. Maybe it's revenge for all the times I've plopped down clumsily on the sofa and woken him up. Or maybe it's revenge for all the times I've smacked him with my elbow because he's always sitting right there when I turn around. Maybe it's revenge for the time he ran between my feet while I was walking and I accidentally kicked him. He glared at me so hard when I did that.

"You b*tch."

2) I stayed up late reading something. Usually it's somebody's blog. When I was a kid we had this thing called “paper,” and we used it to print these things called “books.” You hardly see them anymore, but I hear they're still around.

3) I had a drink. I don't even have to get drunk. One or two drinks, too close to bedtime, keeps me awake. In any case, I rarely go to the bar intending to get drunk. I'm always just going for one drink, and then I have that drink, and then it decides to throw a party and calls all its friends. I guess I should expect that sort of thing. It's a bar, after all. What do I think is going to happen?

4) I'm having a really good dream, and I don't want to wake up. A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I'd married the love of my life and we'd moved into a massive chalet – I mean, this place was so big you could get lost in it. In fact, in the dream, I did get lost in it. Much of this amazing, fantastic, wonderful dream that I didn't want to wake up from consisted of myself wandering around this massive chalet, gaping and saying things like, “Oooh, another kitchen!” or, “Wow, a fourth sauna!” My whole family moved in with us, and some of my neighbors, too. Paula Deen was there, making So Good You're a Diabetic Now Cheesecake in kitchen number three. We opened a honey farm, and we farmed the best dang honey in the world.

5) I stayed up late writing something. It was probably something much longer than this post.