This isn't going to be your
average year-in-review post. That's because I've been abroad and
therefore mostly out of touch with American culture, except for
what's leaked through on Memebase and Facebook. Besides, there are
only about a bajillion year-in-review posts out there by now, with
more on the way, so I'm sure you've had enough of all that pop
culture bullsh*t by now.
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In any case, I am so much more interesting than all of that. |
So, instead, you're going to
get the highlights of my year. Brace yourselves, kids, here it is –
My Year in Review:
I Found Waldo
He was with Carmen San
Diego. They're living with Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley, D.B. Cooper
and Jimmy Hoffa. I can't tell you where, though, obviously.
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But it looked like this. |
I Defeated an Ancient Vampire...Well, I Presume He was Ancient
It was a dark and stormy
night. I was traveling through the mountains of Transylvania by
rickety stagecoach, as you do, when the stagecoach broke down. Well,
the stagecoach itself didn't break down, but the horse pulling it
suddenly keeled over stone dead of, um, pneumonia. Yeah, that's
right, pneumonia.
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"Cough, cough." ~ BLW |
The driver and I were alone.
We were miles from the nearest town and we could hear wolves howling
in the dark and storm-lashed forest.
“We're miles from the
nearest town, and I can hear wolves howling in the dark and
storm-lashed forest,” the driver said.
“I know,” I replied, not
without pissyness, for the driver was creepy. He had one eye, this
dude, and twice as many teeth.
“We'll have to go up to
the castle,” the driver said. The evil glittering of his single eye
suggested that something was afoot. I suspected vampires, naturally,
but being the clever type, I kept my mouth shut.
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I am capable of keeping my mouth shut, you know. |
Luckily, I know a thing or
two about killing vampires, and one should never travel through
Transylvanian mountains without a supply of wooden stakes, garlic,
holy water and crucifixes, especially not when the night is dark and
stormy and your stagecoach driver only has one eye. I staked that
sucker the minute I saw him.
“How am I going to get
another job in this economy?” the stagecoach driver said, not
without pissyness. He spat on the dusty floor and glared at me with
his one eye.
“Maybe you and your eye
can join the circus,” I suggested.
He was not amused.
I Killed the Butler in the
Dining Room with the Lead Pipe
This one's kind of
self-explanatory.
I Invented a Time Machine,
and Traveled into the Past
And you should thank me,
because if I hadn't done, you'd all have been eaten and/or enslaved
by Nazi dinosaurs by now.
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Like this, but invading Poland. ~ Matt Martyniuk |
I Brought Down an
International Drug Cartel
I did it with whiskey and
toothpicks, just like we used to back in the Old Country.
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Grandpa would be proud. ~ Beyond Silence |
I Taught a Parrot Sign
Language
It was an African Grey
Parrot. They're widely regarded as one of the world's most intelligent birds, able to mimic the calls of many other bird
species. African Greys are also able to understand colors, numbers,
shapes and abstract concepts. They're supposed to have the
intellectual capacity of a five-year-old child and the intellectual
capacity of a three-year-old child, which means they sometimes throw
things at researchers. Some of these birds have been said to develop
vocabularies containing hundreds of words.
I called mine “Henry.”
Teaching Henry sign language
was a bit tricky, because he didn't have hands, obviously. But I
taught him to ruffle his feathers meaningfully. He thought I was an
idiot, and didn't hesitate to say so.
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"SQUAAAAWK! Dumbass! SQUAAAAWK!"~ Ernst Vikne |
A lot of people might think
there's no point in teaching a parrot sign language, since they can
talk. It's certainly not a good idea to teach one how to open a
window latch.
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I'll miss you, Henry. |
I Found the Lost City of El
Dorado
It was under the couch. Who
knew it would be so small.
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Certainly not the Spaniards. |
I Scaled Mt. Everest
Nah, I didn't really.
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But I'm totally gonna say I did. ~ Pavel Novak |