Saturday, December 30, 2017

Fun Friday Facts #127: Saturday Edition Two, Electric Boogaloo

I forgot to write a Fun Friday Facts post yesterday, because I got involved in a Dr. Mario session, and before I knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning. It turns out I’m better at Dr. Mario than Jim, which seems to bother him somewhat, even though he’s better than me at almost every other video game there is.

It’s New Year’s Eve weekend. The snow is gently falling outside, Maximum Cuddles is begging for his dinner, which it is not yet quite time for, but he doesn’t have a great sense of time so he’s been begging for it since about 2:00 p.m. This Monday, make sure to enter 2018 right – with a fire extinguisher and a wet handkerchief tied around your face.

According to Snopes, the first person to enter your home after the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Day – called the first footer – will bring either good or bad luck for the year to come. Here’s a list of people you should NOT allow to first foot your home on New Year’s Day:

  • Women. Absolutely no women. Allowing a vagina to nonchalantly stroll across your threshold before anyone else in the New Year will cause your hair to sour, your milk to turn grey, your calves to be born breech, and your feet to stink. Actually, I just made all that stuff up. But still, no women. Snopes advises us that “they should be shooed away” like raccoons or stray cats, using firearms if necessary.
  • Blondes or redheads, for obvious reasons.
  • People with crossed eyes.
  • People with flat feet. That’s bad news, because Jim has flat feet and I’m a woman. No wonder I can’t find a full-time job or my telescoping back scratcher.
  • People with eyebrows that meet in the middle, though it doesn’t say whether plucking them is permitted.

The ideal first footer is tall, dark, handsome, and a man. He should bring the following small gifts to the household:

  • A lump of coal
  • A morsel of bread
  • A silver coin
  • Some salt
  • A sprig of evergreen

The first footer should knock and be invited in, even if he lives in the house. Under no circumstances should he be allowed to let himself in with his own key. He should say hello to everyone in the house, bestow his weird little gifts on the household, and then leave through a different door than the one through which he entered. This is why fire codes require houses to have at least two exterior doors.

Under no circumstances should anyone be allowed to exit the house on New Year’s Day before the first footer has arrived. You don’t want to know what happens then.

In fact, some say that nothing whatsoever, not even trash or recycling, should leave the house on New Year’s Day. If you’ve got to deliver food or gifts on New Year’s Day, you should put them in your car on December 31 so as to avoid taking them out of the house on the first day of the year. The year must be started by adding to the household, not subtracting from it. Some say it’s okay to take things out of the house as long as you bring something else in first, but I wouldn’t risk it. Put your women and redheads outside on December 31, and bring them back in on January 2, just to be safe.

What if you live alone, or are a lesbian, or have no dark-haired male friends or brothers to bring luck upon your household/release you from it on New Year’s Day? You can get around the first footer restrictions by placing the aforementioned coal and stuff into a basket with a string tied to it. Place the basket just outside your door before midnight, and then after midnight, open the door and reel it in. Do not just reach out and grab it. This counts as crossing the threshold, and will put you in a world of hurt. We’ve already had two bad years. Don’t make it worse.