As of the writing of this post, Trump has been in office for
297 days, and presumably will be in office for another 1,162 days, although I
don’t think anyone, at this point, expects him to last that long. Maybe he’ll
be ousted. Maybe he’ll quit. Maybe he’ll be arrested. Maybe all three of those
things will happen. Or maybe he’ll just drop
dead – the man is 71 years old, and according to tweets I’ve read, Trump
weighs 345 pounds, eats nothing but McDonald’s, never exercises, and only
sleeps four hours a night because he has to burn the candle at both ends to
make time for all his angry tweeting.
Ah, yes, the angry tweeting. Just the other day, Trump used
his Twitter platform to publicly antagonize Kim Jong-un some more, calling him
“short and fat”:
As a proud Millennial on the Oregon Trail cusp, I thought
I’d seen the last of fearing nuclear annihilation, but I guess I was wrong.
We’re in a race against time. Can we make it to the end of this presidency
before nuclear war breaks out? Probably not. So, it’s time to plan your nuclear
holocaust wardrobe.
I’ve watched several Netflix documentaries about the bombing
of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. One woman interviewed had been exposed to the bomb’s
searing flash of light, but she told documentary filmmakers that the long
trousers and sleeves she’d had on that day had protected her skin from the burn
others in her air raid shelter had experienced.
If you’re outside when the bomb falls and you manage to
survive the initial blast, you should take
shelter immediately, and if you have access to a shower, you should remove
and dispose of your clothing and take a decontamination shower. Wash your skin gently, to avoid inflicting new cuts,
tears, or irritation, and shampoo
to remove nuclear fallout from your hair, but don’t use conditioner, as
this can cause the radiation to bind to your hair.
Of course, once you’ve survived the initial blast and
fallout, you’ll have to make a new life in the irradiated hellscape that once
was our great nation, or, like, move, or something. FEMA recommends wearing
long sleeves, long pants, and sturdy shoes. I recommend wearing a helmet of some kind, and leather
jacket, if you have one, or a denim jacket covered in duct tape if you don’t,
because there might be zombies, or Mad
Max-style wastelanders, or bears or something.
