Monday, November 13, 2017

What Are You Wearing to the Nuclear Holocaust?

As of the writing of this post, Trump has been in office for 297 days, and presumably will be in office for another 1,162 days, although I don’t think anyone, at this point, expects him to last that long. Maybe he’ll be ousted. Maybe he’ll quit. Maybe he’ll be arrested. Maybe all three of those things will happen. Or maybe he’ll just drop dead – the man is 71 years old, and according to tweets I’ve read, Trump weighs 345 pounds, eats nothing but McDonald’s, never exercises, and only sleeps four hours a night because he has to burn the candle at both ends to make time for all his angry tweeting.

Ah, yes, the angry tweeting. Just the other day, Trump used his Twitter platform to publicly antagonize Kim Jong-un some more, calling him “short and fat”:

As a proud Millennial on the Oregon Trail cusp, I thought I’d seen the last of fearing nuclear annihilation, but I guess I was wrong. We’re in a race against time. Can we make it to the end of this presidency before nuclear war breaks out? Probably not. So, it’s time to plan your nuclear holocaust wardrobe.

I’ve watched several Netflix documentaries about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. One woman interviewed had been exposed to the bomb’s searing flash of light, but she told documentary filmmakers that the long trousers and sleeves she’d had on that day had protected her skin from the burn others in her air raid shelter had experienced.

If you’re outside when the bomb falls and you manage to survive the initial blast, you should take shelter immediately, and if you have access to a shower, you should remove and dispose of your clothing and take a decontamination shower. Wash your skin gently, to avoid inflicting new cuts, tears, or irritation, and shampoo to remove nuclear fallout from your hair, but don’t use conditioner, as this can cause the radiation to bind to your hair.

Of course, once you’ve survived the initial blast and fallout, you’ll have to make a new life in the irradiated hellscape that once was our great nation, or, like, move, or something. FEMA recommends wearing long sleeves, long pants, and sturdy shoes. I recommend wearing a helmet of some kind, and leather jacket, if you have one, or a denim jacket covered in duct tape if you don’t, because there might be zombies, or Mad Max-style wastelanders, or bears or something.