So a few days ago one of my Twitter peeps tweeted
this article about a Harvard professor exploring the Amazon who came
face-to-mandibles with a Goliath birdeater, the world’s biggest spider, and
like a fool, I clicked on it.
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| WHY DID I DO THAT? |
According to the article, the professor, Piotr Naskrecki,
was taking a nighttime stroll through the jungles of Guyana, as you do, when he
heard strange rustlings in the undergrowth that sounded like “a possum or a
rat.” He turned on his flashlight – wait, what? He was wondering around in the
jungle at night and waited until he heard strange rustlings in the undergrowth
to turn on his flashlight? This is why I never got a PhD, you guys.
Anyhoo, the good doctor turned his flashlight on the beast,
and in his own words, “I couldn’t quite understand what I was seeing.”
If you read that article I linked to above, you’ll already
know that it describes the spider in question as “puppy-size.” It further
informs us that this particular species of giant spider can weigh more than six
ounces (170 grams), with a leg span of up to 12 inches (30 cm) and “a body the
size of ‘a large fist.’” As if Ebola, climate change, serial killers,
antibiotic resistance, the GOP, school shootings, and all the rest weren’t bad
enough, I now have to live with the knowledge that there exists in the world “puppy-size”
spiders. I mean, okay, Pomeranian puppies, but still. And my doctor wants to
know why I can’t sleep at night.
Of course, Dr. Naskrecki doesn’t see it that way. Instead of
shrieking like Ned Flanders and fleeing into the night, he says he “lung[ed] at
the animal, excited about seeing one of these wonderful, almost mythical
creatures in person.”
On
his own blog, Dr. Naskrecki explains that the Goliath birdeater – which, naturally,
does not eat birds – is capable of growing so large because of its low
metabolic rate. The Goliath birdeater also has claws, which is why it makes so
much noise while stalking its prey, earthworms, across the forest floor. The terrified
spider attempted to defend itself against the intrepid explorer by emitting a warning
hiss and releasing “a cloud of urticating hair” that irritated Dr. Naskrecki’s
eyes for several days. It also tried to bite him, apparently, with its “enormous
fangs, capable of puncturing a mouse’s skull,” which is the exact thing that I,
personally, would be worried about.
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| CAPABLE OF WHAT NOW? |
