Monday, October 21, 2013

I Suck at Watching TV

So the thing is, I’m not actually that good at watching television. I’m just not motivated enough. I was reading Jenn Something Clever’s post “How to Watch Fall TV in 16 Easy Steps,” and thinking to myself, “You lost me at step one.”

I won’t even watch an online video that’s longer than a minute. I’ve got things to do. I’ve got toads to wait for.

She’s committed. I’m not committed. TV thinks I’m commitment-phobic. I think TV is nice but not marriage material.

Perhaps it’s needless to say that I don’t follow programs very well. Sometimes I’ll follow a show fairly well through several seasons, then miss it once for some reason, forget about it altogether, then find it two years later on Netflix and think, “Oh yeah, I was watching that.” I used to watch Game of Thrones but I spaced it two episodes into the third season and they’re probably all dead by now.

Kidding. I’ve read the books. I know that only half of them are dead by now.

Usually I’ll turn the TV on, only to end up grabbing a nearby book (there’s always a nearby book) and looking up two hours later like, “Shit, I left the TV on again. Oops.”

I follow exactly two shows, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, because I’m fashionable and shit. Also I didn’t actually follow Breaking Bad for the first four seasons, I just binge-watched them on Netflix. I nearly lost it when I visited some friends in Chicago for Riot Fest, but luckily I remembered that they always show the last episode right before they show the new episode. I’ll definitely lose The Walking Dead if season four doesn’t include more zombie attacks, cause that’s the only reason I watch it, to see who’ll get eaten (hint: I hope it’s Carl).

You might be surprised to learn that I do have a certain fondness for reality television. I was still a kid when The Real World came on so maybe it made some sort of unhealthy impression on my developing brain that presages the awful future, or maybe I just like feeling superior to people (hint: it’s the second thing). 

I like to watch Hoarders: Buried Alive when I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself, because it reminds me that hey, at least I’m not hoarding and buried alive. From time to time I watch Wife Swap the way you’d watch a train wreck if it were an hour long. I keep hoping they’ll swap wives for real, but they never do.

Then again, I guess they can't put THAT show on network television.

Image by imagerymajestic from