Saturday, August 10, 2013

So, You Think Your Boyfriend's a Serial Killer...

A Mother Life

I’m getting a disturbing amount of “how do I tell if my boyfriend’s a serial killer” traffic. It’s because, several months ago, I wrote this hilarious post about how to tell if your Internet date is planning to murder you.

In case you’re wondering what a “disturbing amount” is, it’s, well, any. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve gotten hits from at least ten different people using some version of this search term.

I was reasonably certain that these people weren’t looking for my blog post, even though it appears in the top ten results for most combinations of that particular search term. I went ahead and googled it myself just to make sure. The sheer amount of serious articles about serial killers and their behavior would seem to indicate that these people are looking for genuine information about spotting serial killers.

I had no idea that identifying serial killers would be such a popular pursuit. I mean, how many serial killers are there, anyway – like, five? In the spirit of 100% pure journalism (*snort*) I went ahead and googled “how many people become serial killers” and discovered that there are between 35 and 100 active serial killers operating in the United States right now. I might never sleep again.

Just so you know, if you’re looking for real information about how to identify a serial killer, kids, this blog is not the place to find it.

But, I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that if you’re asking yourself whether or not your boyfriend might be a serial killer, just go ahead and dump him. He may not be a serial killer, but if he’s psycho enough to make you wonder, well, honey, that’s what we call a red flag.

Also, I once watched this true-crime TV program about a woman who’d inadvertently married a serial killer and one day, she went down to the basement to put on a load of laundry and found one of his victims chained to the wall. You don’t want to be going about your business and find some poor, mutilated girl chained up in your basement, do you?

Of course fucking not. Dump the “might be a serial killer” boyfriend. Don’t tell him that’s why you’re dumping him, though, because if he is a serial killer, that could go very badly for you.