Monday, August 12, 2013

An Introvert’s Survival Guide

I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz online lately about introverts, and how misunderstood we all are and how unfair it all is, and how much it sucks to, like, have friends and stuff. Like, hell is other people, man.

Look, I get it. I, too, have contemplated running away when someone tries to extend the evening’s outing. I, too, would like to smack the next person who asks me if I’m sure I’m okay, because I’m “being really quiet.” I, too, have been known to stare in disbelief when someone barges forward with making plans for every night of the week because really? Every night? Are you insane?

And yes, I know it’s hard to explain to some people that, nothing personal, but you have Netflix to catch up on an your library books are due at the weekend, and...oh, you want to know what I’m watching? Only boring stuff, you wouldn’t like it.

Most people in this world like to glom together like jelly babies left in a hot car, bless them. While it’s always valuable to spread awareness and educate the sticky, gooey masses, we will always be outnumbered. But that’s okay, because you can learn to cope, like I have.

Live Alone

If you’re an introvert and you have roommates, you’re doin’ it wrong. How can you do that? It must drive you nuts.

Maybe you can’t live alone. Maybe it’s too expensive in your area. Consider moving.

Maybe you have a family. I don’t know what to tell you about that because nobody loves me.

"I make it a point to bite everyone she dates."

But, if you can’t live alone for whatever reason, maybe you should…

Work from Home

This way you get to spend lots of time alone while the other members of your household are out doing whatever it is they do all day. I wouldn’t recommend living alone and working from home, which is what I do, unless you want to end up not speaking to anyone for 14 days straight and then muttering to yourself aloud in the cat food aisle at MallWart because you forgot you’re not alone anymore, which is also what I do.


Meditating is like squeezing six hours of alone time into 20 minutes. It’s amazing. It will definitely help you keep your sanity when you’ve been roped into doing something you don’t want to do, like, for example, anything.

Learn Some Jokes

This’ll make you really popular, and you’ll get invited to a lot of parties, where you’ll…

Let Other People Do All the Talking

Trust me, they love this. If you’re ever stuck for something to talk about, talk about the person you’re talking to. People will think you’re a great listener and they’ll tell you all their problems. Try to look interested.
And, just in case you’re not feeling it…

Have Some Plausible Excuses

You think you’re coming down with something. You’ve had a long day. You have a flat tire. You have to get home before the hostages escape.

Also, there’s an app you can get that will send you fake calls. Look into it.

All the calls I ever get are fake.