Monday, May 13, 2013

There Are Some Things I Think You Should Know

Ok, first things first – Brillo pads freak me right the fuck out. I know that sounds weird, but they’re gross. They have that weird blue soap in them that makes your dishwater look all murky. They leave this weird metallic smell on your fingers. And if you put them in the soap dish, they rust.


And that’s just the worst. Bear with me here. Some people are freaked out by caterpillars, others are freaked out by Brillo pads. It takes all kinds.

This wouldn’t be an issue, because I don’t buy Brillo pads, because they freak me out. But the previous owners of the house left half a box of them under the sink. And I, in one of my frequent moments of poor judgment, decided to use one to clean something. All the weirdness followed. Then I sort of shuddered with disgust while flinging the Brillo pad into the soap dish, where it’s probably planning my downfall even now. I can’t bring myself to throw away the rest of the box, so comment below for your chance to win – let me count – three Brillo pads. I’ll hold a drawing. It’ll be kickass.

Okay, so they're SOS pads. Whatevs, it'll still be kickass.

Another thing I think you should know is that I brake for toads. I like toads. The other night I was driving home from somewhere in the rain, cause it’s been raining here for like a week, and I spotted a toad hopping onto the edge of the muddy gravel road. That’s not uncommon, because the rain really brings them out. So, I brought my car to a stop and waited for the toad to cross the road. It took awhile, because it was a toad.

They're not fast.

A further thing, and maybe some of you already know this about me, is that I have no attention span when it comes to watching your online videos. I don’t care how awesome your video is, if it is longer than a minute, minute and a half, tops, I’m not watching it unless I’m procrastinating or I really, really like you or it has baby bears. I’m a busy woman. I’ve got toads to wait for. I can’t be watching your three-minute-long videos.

Also, last but not least, I need a hairdresser. I haven’t had my hair cut in over a year, and it would probably look nicer if I had it cut, but I don’t have a hair dresser here. I had a great hairdresser in France, but I am obviously not flying back to France just for a haircut, even though it’s tempting. If anyone in my local area knows of a hairdresser WHO KNOWS HOW TO CUT CURLY HAIR, drop me a line. I’m putting that last part in ALL CAPS because it is important. A majority of the hairdressers I’ve been to (which, admittedly, isn't very many) have left me looking like I got my hair caught in a garbage disposal, because they insist on straightening my hair before they cut it, and then it only looks good if I straighten my hair again every day. I am not spending 45 minutes a day straightening my hair. I’ve got toads to wait for. 

Slow fuckin' toads.