Saturday, May 11, 2013

I Learned Something New

The other day when I was researching dirty words that start with G for an ABCs of Swearing Challenge post, I learned of a new thing. Well, not new in general, just new to me. I hate it when I say to someone “I learned a new thing” and then when I tell them what it is, the jackass comes back with, “That’s not a new thing, that’s an old thing, I’ve known that for years." What a jerkoff thing to say to somebody, I mean, really.

The thing of which I now have awareness is the girlfriend zone. The girlfriend zone is where you are when you’ve told a guy that you’re not romantically interested, but he keeps hitting on you anyway like he hopes you’ll change your mind, or more likely, break down and give in. As we all know, the best relationships are founded on at least one party’s desperate sense of resignation and defeat.

And then the jagoff gets his panties in a knot when you keep on not being interested in him no matter how many times he makes unwelcome advances. The jerkwad might even go so far as to call you a tease and will almost definitely cry to all of his jizzpuppet friends about how unfair and sad it is that you haven’t come to your senses and realized you’re in love with him yet, and might even call “dibs,” because you are definitely an object that can be possessed and are never to be treated as though you had legal rights. The friends will probably promise never to steal you, and they might even comfort him by saying stupid jerkcircle things like, “It’s just a matter of time, bro.”

As soon as I learned about this thing, I had that awesome feeling of discovery that you get when you find out something you didn’t know had a name does, in fact, have a name, and since it has a name, it must be an experience you share with many others. And then you feel a much better about thinking the person who did this to you was a jerkass, even though most of the people who know you both think that it was maybe a little funny.

And yes, guys, there is such a thing as a boyfriend zone, which is what happens when a woman does this to a man. Feel free to have your moment of discovery now.

You're welcome.