W is for West Virginia Jokes

It never fails – every time I reveal that I’m from West Virginia, some butt pirate has to make a joke about incest or tooth loss or broken-down cars, that is, if the assclown even realizes that West Virginia is its own state. It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually impressed if someone I meet knows that West Virginia is its own state. I’m telling you, nine out of ten people think I’m from Virginia, and eight of those people keep on thinking it even after I’ve corrected them multiple times. I guess they think I’m an inbred redneck, I couldn’t possibly know something as complicated as what state I’m from. By the way, if I haven’t been returning your calls lately, this is why.

West Virginia: Separate from Virginia since 1863!

The thing about West Virginia jokes is that everyone thinks they’re so clever and original when they tell me that my parents are obviously siblings or they feign surprise that I can read. Right, in all my life, I’ve never had anyone anywhere assume that I’m ignorant, inbred, easy to take advantage of or unfamiliar with flush toilets. Garsh, I thought I was supposed to warsh my feet in them! Well paint me red and call me embarrassed!

People have even gone so far as to ask me why I dropped out of college, because I couldn’t have graduated, cause ain’t no rednecks got no book larnin! I would not be surprised if someone offered to teach me how to tie my shoes, since this is clearly the first pair I’ve ever owned and I just bought them yesterday to fit in with the real people.

What makes it even worse – and yes, it gets worse – is when the twat waffles in question clearly don’t even know where West Virginia is. A salvage yard owner in Oregon once told me that my gas tank had rusted out because of the “salty coastal air” in West Virginia. I took my business somewhere else.

West Virginia: Landlocked since probably forever, I don't know, I'm not a geologist.