O is for Old Men Hitting on Me

Hey, Old Dudes, I have a message for you: LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Seriously, your “dirty old man” sh&t is not cute. I know you don’t just start feeling attracted to older women just because you got older yourself. This does not mean you have the right to drool all over women half your age and then act offended if they don't strip all their clothes off that very moment. You may have the right to express interest in anyone you want, but you do not have the right to assume it will always be returned. There aren’t as many young women with “daddy issues” as you’d like to believe.

Yes, I know I’m THIRTY YEARS OLD NOW and I’m NO SPRING CHICKEN ANYMORE (Spring chicken? Who talks like that? OLD DUDES, THAT’S WHO.) It might shock you to know that I still get hit on by dudes in their twenties all the time. Hell, a couple of years ago, (before I was all old and dried up!) I actually went out with a 19-year-old. It was an accident. I didn’t realize he was a teenager and he didn’t realize I was ALMOST DEAD at the RIPE OLD AGE OF TWENTY-EIGHT, GOD FORBID, but he was sexually interested, is my point. The date actually ended on a super-awkward note when we both realized that we’d been born in different decades, because it took him like three hours of listening to me talk about my whole adult life before it occurred to him that maybe I was a lot older than him, because that’s how not old as hell I look, Old Dudes.

Of course, that was two years ago so I probably look like an alligator hatbox by now, right? Wrong. If you need further evidence that I'm still capable of attracting men my own age, on my 30th birthday I was out at the bar and some random chick asked me what grade I was in. So you can stop it with the “you’re not so young yourself, kiddo” sh&t. In fact, maybe if you find yourself calling the person you’re trying to sleep with “kiddo,” you should rethink whether or not that’s an age-appropriate pairing.

It's half your age plus seven, pervert.