Saturday, April 6, 2013

F is for Facebook Shenanigans

I am well past the point in my Facebooking career when I will de-friend your ass without a moment’s notice or a second thought the minute you throw something into my News Feed that irritates, angers, disgusts or annoys me. I don’t even feel bad about it unless you’re one of the zero Facebook friends I speak to regularly in my daily life…oh wait, ha ha.

I figure we went for years without speaking before being reunited on Facebook; or our real-life acquaintanceship is just that, an acquaintanceship, casual at best; or, in some cases, we’ve never even met in real life at all, and, contrary to what some people seem to think these days, an online friendship is NOT the same as an IRL friendship. Even if it were, I have the right to end either relationship whenever I want and I don’t need a reason, other than “I want to.”

So watch yourselves.

So. I am so. Frocking. SICK. Of your Facebook shenanigans. All you mommies are up on my feed making slut-shaming remarks about how only total whores would even want to hire a babysitter to go out for drinks on New Year’s Eve, and all you dudes are passing around your whiny “My girlfriend takes too long to get ready!” memes and everyone seems to agree that a woman who complains about how “all men” are sleazebags shouldn’t have tried them all! Har har! Gimme a break. We all know you're just jealous.

And while you’re at it, quit b*tching about Obama like it’s your job. I live in West Virginia, so I don’t even get intelligent complaints about the man’s policies or anything like that. Even the semi-intelligent, not-totally-racist complaints about the Obama administration that I see in my News Feed are so riddled with paranoia that I just can’t. If you’re going to throw around racial slurs about the President, at least admit that you’re racist and don’t try to act like racial slurs are a fair way to express your disappointment with his policies. If you’re going to denigrate the man’s intelligence, please make sure to spell check and use proper grammar. He went to Harvard; you have a GED. He’s not the one with something to prove.

There, I’ve done it, and now this blog post will inspire plenty of passive-aggressive Facebook statuses about what “some people” ought to do, say, think, feel, believe, or write in their blogs. Guess what -- the   unnamed person you’re directing that status to knows who they are and what you’re talking about, and you're not getting away with anything. Unless they’re not on Facebook, in which case, post away.

This brings me to my all-time biggest pet Facebook peeve: THE FREAKING SICK KID POSTS. “Facebook will donate two dollars for every time you share or like this photo of this miserable dying kid!” No they won’t. In some cases, the kids are already dead and the poor parents are tortured by having to see these photos reproduced, often without their permission, all over the Internet. I know you have the best intentions, but I seem to recall a wise proverb about good intentions and where they lead. I hate to piss on your fireworks, sweetheart, but if you want to do some good in the world, you’re going to have to put forth a little more effort than it takes to press a mouse button. And if that really is all the energy you can muster, go to one of those “click for charity” websites instead.

You're welcome.