What I'm Thinking As I Browse Through OkCupid

I actually browsed through OkCupid for an extra long time just to find material for this blog post. You're welcome. Also, no one will ever message, meet, sleep with or stalk me ever again after this. You're double welcome, and also, thank you RE: the stalking thing.

“I prefer to tell the truth even if it hurts someone's feelings” – translation: “I'm an asshole who feels entitled to tromp all over others' feelings because they're whiny little babies who just can't handle the truth! There's nothing wrong with me, I'm a martyr to those who can't cope with my virtuous nature!” Thank you Gods of Internet Dating for helping me avoid these fuckers altogether.

“I'm looking for someone hardworking and respectful” – translation: “I'm looking for someone who doesn't need to be told twice IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

I won't make light of domestic violence but don't go out with this dude.

“Hi! I met my girlfriend on OkCupid and we're married now but I'm keeping my profile up CAUSE YOU COULD ALWAYS USE MORE FRIENDS!” – Sure, buddy. Fuck off.

“I hate liars and fake-ass people” – translation: “I'm a lying fake-ass motherfucker.”

“I don't do drama” – translation: “I DO ALL THE DRAMA LET ME DO SOME WITH YOU!”

“I'm in an open relationship but would love to meet new people.” – No you're not, shut up.

“I'm a dick” – Thank you for being honest.

I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About: “Girls!” – You don't say?

“I had imaginary friends till I was twelve” – I still have imaginary friends. Wait, that makes me look bad, not him.

Oh well.

“Six Things I Could Never Do Without: A beautiful woman” – PFFFFFT please. *eyeroll*

"Six Things I Could Never Do Without: Sex" -- Stay classy.

“My friends tell me I'm a nice guy” – Is this a roundabout way of saying “I'm a nice guy” while not actually saying it? Are the nice guys getting wise? Do they know we're on to them?

Private Message: "Hey sexy, I think you're sexy" -- This is hot because dudes who think I'm an ugly shitbag message me and ask me for dates CONSTANTLY. Not. Sleazebucket.

“On a Typical Friday Night I Am: watching a movie while doing my laundry” – Oh man you sound so interesting.

“I love music and sound.” – You realize there's a huge difference between those two things, right?

“I am looking for someone who takes care of herself.” – I'm not sure, but I think this means “No fatties.”

You look like a ferret. I shouldn't make fun of you for that but I can't help myself.

Poor ferret-face, it's not your fault you look like a ferret. :'(

ALSO:

If your whole profile is just the lyrics to a popular song, split up to look like sentences and shit, please kill yourself.

DO NOT pretend to be someone else, such as a fictional character, cyborg, marionette or robot, unless you're the sort of very talented writer who can pull this off. Hint: You are not such a writer.

Dudes! DUDES! Stop posting pics of yourselves with your arms around other women. I don't care if it's your cousin, your sister or your grandma playing air guitar while snarling. Unless you specifically say otherwise, I'm going to assume that these are women who you have banged/are banging/will bang/want to bang, and I will immediately decide not to meet you. Yeah, some chicks might be turned on by the thought of the "challenge" of having competition. Do you want the word "cheater" keyed onto your car? No, you don't. Or maybe you do. I don't know, some people are into some weird shit. To each his own, I always say.

Finally, please post at least one picture that:

• Is objectively good. Ask your friends to help you find a picture that makes you look like a well-groomed, appealing human being and not a sweaty, red-faced monster who's under the influence of multiple substances.
• Clearly shows your face. Remember, no one wants to go on an internet date. No one ever wants to go on an internet date. No one. EVER. Wants to go. On an internet date. You could miss out on meeting someone really cool (like me) because they said to themselves, "I dunno, I don't even know what he looks like." And don't be making us ask for your pictures or try to be all coy like "I'll send you my pictures after we've chatted" or some shit like that. Do you think you're too good to put your pictures on the internet? Are you ashamed that you've had to stoop to online dating? Are you married? Will these pictures you're going to send us prominently feature your cock? These are the sorts of questions people ask themselves when you won't post a photo of your face.
• Shows you smiling. There are two reasons for this -- first, if you're not smiling, you look like you're scowling. It doesn't matter that you aren't actually scowling. You will look like you are scowling even if you're not. Depending on how bald/hairy/beardy/babyfaced/muscular/tattooed/pierced/gaunt you are, you could come off looking tortured, brooding, melodramatic or overly serious. For the most part, however, you'll just look like a serial killer, and no one wants to date a serial killer. The second reason for smiling is that it shows you have all your teeth. I wouldn't even have thought of that before I wound up meeting more than one dude who was missing teeth. You might think I'm being shallow, but I think teeth are pretty important. If you are missing teeth and you'd like to keep that to yourself until you meet someone in person, you could at least do that thing where you smile without showing your teeth.

At least you won't look like a serial killer.